Love through the ages

Marshall Danner recalled the day when he first laid his eyes on Beverly Sterling. It was over a year ago that he spotted her peacefully reading a book by herself. Danner was always good at starting conversation, so he sat nearby and began to make small talk with her. Though he never anticipated it, that chat blossomed into a fulfilling relationship.

This may sound like a typical story of young love, but what makes it unique are Danner and Sterling’s ages—81 and 78, respectively. They represent many couples in both retirement homes and assisted-living centers who have found intimacy in their later years.

In places like Sycamore Glen Retirement Center in Chico, where the couple live, privacy is easily achieved with their apartment-style living. But what about those who desire intimacy in convalescent and rehabilitation centers, where privacy is not as easy to attain?

Don Wessels, administrator for the Windsor Chico Creek Care and Rehabilitation Center, said there are state guidelines that ensure patients’ rights to mutual relationships, and privacy when they want intimacy. Additionally, in 1987, passage of the Nursing Home Reform Act mandated that any federally funded facility must offer an environment where residents can “attain and maintain [their] highest practicable physical, mental and psychosocial well-being.”

At Windsor, residents ensure themselves some alone time in a manner similar to how couples do at a hotel—or a dorm room, for that matter.

“Our social services provide privacy signs for couples to place outside their door when they want intimacy,” Wessels said.

However, privacy may not be granted to them every day.

Wessels explained that residents who share a room, which is often the case, must maintain a contract with their roommate to set a designated time for privacy. He went on to explain that residents who maintain intimate relationships are more socially active and happier in general.

“It is absolutely important for residents to have intimate relationships,” Wessels said. “Their opportunity may deteriorate over the years, but their desire certainly does not.”

It may be hard for some to imagine people in their senior years being physically intimate, but a 2007 survey by the University of Chicago demonstrated that it’s quite normal. In fact, the survey, titled “A Study of Sexuality and Health Among Older Adults in the United States,” found that sexual activity sometimes grows.

“It has been shown that the sexual desires can increase with age; it’s almost like they become teenagers again,” Wessels acknowledged.

Many of the elderly couples make the decision to enter a relationship after losing spouses to death or divorce. Tony Varicelli, for example, an 81-year-old resident of Sycamore Glen, outlived three wives and has been dating fellow resident Camille Mack for more than a year.

Varicelli, an outspoken man always equipped with a joke up his sleeve, said it can be difficult starting a relationship after being married for so long, but added that it’s important to continue to be intimate with someone, no matter what age.

“You need companionship here. If you stay in one of these rooms all day by yourself, you’ll go crazy,” he said. “I know some of the guys here who don’t have a partner. They sit in their rooms, and the only time they come out is for a meal. That sucks. You’ve got to get out and walk around and meet someone.”

Of course, meeting the right person is key to any companionship.

“When I first came here, I didn’t want to be here,” Danner said. “It took me a while to get accustomed, but after a year and a half of getting to know everyone and meeting Beverly, I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

Though not as active as some young couples, Sterling says she enjoys eating meals with Danner, accompanying him to the occasional symphony, or simply sitting quietly together in the couples swing next to the pond at Sycamore Glen. Varcelli and Mack enjoy dinner dates in town and playing cards daily.

Though the passion for their partners is obvious, both couples admitted marriage is not in their future.

“Most people get married to have a family and I’ve already done that,” Varcelli said. “I think if two people stay together for a long time without being married, that’s a pretty good relationship.”

When asked what his response would be to someone who said he’s too old to be having intimate relationships, Vercelli simply smiled and pointed to his shirt with a quote from Abraham Lincoln: “It’s not the years in your life that counts, it’s the life in your years.”