Local Bastard

Isaac: “Has anybody read that Nazis are going to march in New Jersey? I read this in the newspaper, we should go down there, get some guys together, you know, get some bricks and baseball bats and really explain things to them.”

[Man]: “There was this devastating satirical piece on that on the op-ed page of the Times. It is devastating.”

Isaac: “Well, well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing, but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to the point.”

[Woman]: “Oh, but really biting satire is always better than physical force.”

Isaac: “No, physical force is always better with Nazis. Cos it’s hard to satirize a guy with shiny boots.”

It’s also hard to satirize a couple of blonde, blue-eyed, 13-year-old twin girls from Bakersfield who sing catchy little ditties that praise Hitler deputy Rudolf Hess, and parrot the racist loops from their mother’s warped skull. In “Aryan Man Awake,” the spritely Lamb and Lynx Gaede—a.k.a. tone-deaf folk duo Prussian Blue ( www.prussianblue.net)—explain that America is “where freedom exists for only those with darker skin.” WTF!

In contemplating how to respond to the FUBAR adults who are obviously brainwashing the impressionable twins (grandpa is a rancher whose cattle are distinguished by their swastika branding), Local Bastard is reminded of that scene from Woody Allen’s Manhattan played out above. Words in a column in this or any other paper really are useless when it comes to battling the ramblings of such marginalized groups as these white nationalist types. With the insidious and inevitable possibility of these neo-Nazis masking their ugly message in Lamb’s clothing (former Klansman David Duke has already paraded Prussian Blue out at his functions), a much more active response is called for. Though L.B.’s thoughts are lingering on making good use of that dude’s branding iron, the obvious plan is to let nature take its course. The teen years are approaching, and as the sisters’ rebellious spirits are nurtured by images of the aging Mary-Kate and Ashley letting America down one rehab at a time, a troubled country need only extend a promise of unlimited media attention and the twins would turn against mama to become our freshest, newest, talentless, white, twin female celebrities! AHHH-HA-HA-HA! Wait … is that better?

Creepfest. L.B. ain’t afraid of no ghost, but he is definitely creeped-out by MTV2’s disturbing Video Mods show, where music videos are put through animation filters that approximate popular video games. The empty-vee logic is that “the worlds of music video and video games are colliding so much you can hardly tell where one ends and the other begins.” Whatever, dudes.

While L.B. would agree that Rachel Hunter (big rack, man-hips), star of Fountain of Wayne’s “Stacy’s Mom” video appears to have been designed by teenage-boy mad scientists, the robot mannequin version of her in the Sims simulation is even further away from the song’s titillating message.

It ain’t right.

TO DO: No question. Must-see event of the Halloween holiday: Local emo-rocker Josh Funk at Kmart for Halloween Family Fun Day, Sat., Oct. 29, noon-4 p.m. While L.B. must admit that he wishes J-Funk would spread his wings a bit and mix in with more of the locals instead of always playing shows with magicians at tea bars, he must be commended for some genius booking skills here. Plus, there has to be a killer emo song in there somewhere: “I’ll never forget our last Halloween together/ You were a sexy pirate and I was Napoleon Dynamite/ and my broken heart was marked-down forever/ as we kissed goodbye under that flashing blue light.”

TO BURN: For next-level partying: “Modern Art” by Art Brut (“Modern art makes me want to rock out!”) and new Franz Ferdinand single, “Do You Want To”—best party song of the year.

TWO MORE: Granny Smith apples & Sac Kings season opener (Nov. 1 vs. New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets).