Local bastard

What you got? Oh Craigslist, you wonderful, wonderful miracle. Local Bastard was already impressed with the endless goods and services you’ve arranged in your easy-to-browse categories, but with Chico getting its own special corner L.B. has become maybe a little obsessed with discovering every single listing.

So far in this quest, the absolute winner of a listing comes from that most democratic category, “barter.” Posted Aug. 26 (from Oroville): “I need my 5th-wheel moved next week and I do not have a truck with hitch to move it. I will gladly trade some sexual talents of mine in return for a mover.” This category obviously has some real potential! L.B. needs an iPod. He will trade you his copy of Traci Lords’ 1000 Fires CD, two Livestrong bracelets and hidden-camera footage of L.B. performing his monthly home prostate exam. Totally worth it.

Settin’ the record straight. If you’re like L.B., you’ve been wondering how the hell A.S. Presents at Chico State was able to afford to get Jimmy Eat World to come to campus. And, if you’re like everyone else in town, you’ve been wondering what the reason was for it being a Chico State students-only event. Well, the answer to both questions comes straight from the man’s mouth, new A.S. Presents program coordinator Dwight Frey: “The agency representing Jimmy Eat World wanted to attract the college crowd. In doing so we got a ‘special’ price to bring them here.” There you have it.

K.R.T.W. John McCall, formerly of Chico’s favorite rockers The iMPS is back on the scene, playing with a new crew called The So-Lows (“lick-heavy, country-tinged rock,” says CN&R Cal Editor Mark Lore). Legendary local axeman Tom Little is on board as well, and you and L.B. get two chances to hear the new sounds this week: Tues., Sept. 6 for free in Children’s Park and Wed., Sept. 7 at LaSalles.

Secret tunnel vision. Those Chinese opium tunnels under Chico may be nothing more than a myth, but L.B. has found another—very real—underground lair. While sneaking around the “Space Available” at CN&R H.Q. this bastard discovered the home of the beautiful Cave Girl. It’s said that, in olden times, an ancient river of lava carved a magical palace beneath this holy site of truth-telling, and that the elusive Cave Girl who lives down there is the muse for all noble works carried out in the offices above. Lease this sacred ground and feel the power. But beware, befoul not heaven with sulfur nor swine, lest ye suffer in eternal Syn. For more info, contact Rodney Krebs at Coldwell Banker DuFour Reality, 896-3168.

TO DO: The Aristocrats makes it to Chico, beginning Fri., Sept. 2 at the Pageant; Synthesis 12th Anniversary Party—gotta admit, one of the must-see shows of the semester, with Number One Gun, West by Swan, One Block Radius, The Americas, and many more, Fri., Sept. 2, 6:30 p.m. at Craig Hall; Dragonfly Festival art/talent show, Sat., Sept. 3, 10 a.m.-10 p.m. at 818 Arts (818 Salem); Hip-hop Week on Fresh Air—catch what’s left of this week’s history of hip-hop specials, weekdays, 9-10 a.m. or 7-8 p.m. on KCHO, 91.7 FM.

TO BURN: Portastatic, Bright Ideas and the Rosebuds, Birds Make Good Neighbors. Before there was emo there was Superchunk, and front man Mac McCaughan’s long running side-band Portastatic is still playing the exhilaratingly hyper pop. The Merge Records honcho comes to Fulcrum with label mates the Rosebuds next month (Mon., Sept. 26).

TWO MORE: Just like playoff teams in the real big leagues, the Chico Outlaws lost almost as much as they won this season, but hey, Chico made the playoffs! The double-elimination four-team postseason tournament will take place Sept. 2-4 at the Long Beach Armada’s Blair Field. And, in other sporty news, Chico State’s soccer dudes won their second game of the year, beating defending Div. II national champs (and the No. 2-ranked team in the country) Seattle U, 2-1. Take that Redhawks!