Journal

A couple of people have suggested that I keep a journal as a way to express myself and release the pressure or somedamnthing. I kept a journal in the late-’70s to mid-’80s, six volumes altogether, and I read a few entries while I tried to work up a head of steam to do it again.

From Oct. 31, 1977: Backgammon is like life. From Dec. 24: Capitalism requires morality if it is to be of real service to people. Capitalism in the United States has begun to feed on itself. I really think we’re for it. What skills will we need then?

January 9, 1978: Pure corn—I need a new page in the Book of Life. I’m going to have to turn this mother myself, though. I don’t know why I feel I must write something, even this stuff. Is it a bid for immortality? I don’t know.

When I’m 90—

Interviewer: If you can, sir, tell us what it was like in the old days.

Me, reaching for a crate: I just happen to have some notes I jotted down.

March 17, 1978: Jennifer (my ex-wife) used to be lousy at the use of profanity. She got much better toward the end, though.

March 31, 1978: I think differently somehow. It must be the reefer. About a week ago I decided to give myself another chance. I used to think I knew what the odds were. Now I’m not so sure. I want to sell my thoughts; this just occurred to me. I talked to Toot yesterday about my lack of a quest. Her goal is to be a famous artist and live in her leather pants in her house on the beach in Jamaica. Amen.

She suggested I write. My mother was right. I have little self-confidence. I do want to write. I’m lazy, though, so it’ll have to be a short form.

April 25, 1978: One of the good things about growing older is that behavior and even character patterns become observable in people. Anybody can see them, most people, anyway. The Catch is that they seem to act in a cumulative way on our senses, i.e., you have to see lots of different people in order for your threshold to be reached, at which time something which many different people have in common becomes clear.

April 30, 1978: It has begun to dawn on me that there are lots of things that I’ve always assumed I couldn’t do, so I never tried. I must see to them.