I tried

I will never run for governor, no matter how more times the person in that office gets recalled. I now carry some baggage that could be politically damaging. They tried to use it against Arnold Schwarzenegger. It didn’t work, of course, but then Arnold is a stronger man than I am. I’m not talking about a shadowy past of groping women. I’m talking about not voting in an election. And not just any election, mind you. I missed this extra-special contest that offered me more than 10 dozen candidates to choose from. It’s not because I didn’t try—I asked at one of the many precincts that turned me away if they had an “I tried to vote” sticker I could wear on my lapel. The problem is I’ve moved a couple of times in the past year and apparently am no longer registered to vote in the tri-county region. For the record: Had I been able to, I would have voted for Peter Camejo. Instead I was forced to hope on the night of the election that the next morning I wouldn’t wake up to learn that Schwarzenegger had edged the Green Party candidate by a single vote. Talk about guilt.

Speaking of the election (will we ever stop?), I received an interesting e-mail message this week from a Gerald A. Polley of Fargo, N.D., who says he’s learned that Jesus endorsed Schwarzenegger, which probably accounts for the actor’s surprisingly strong showing. “Jesus is very disappointed that none of the major media in California announced His support of Arnold,” Polley said. “Though everybody that received it knew we were real, did not question that we were real, they could not bring themselves to reveal Jesus’ message to the people of California. They were afraid of public rejection, so they hampered The Son Of God. The voters are responding, but if the people of California had been aware several weeks ago, what The Kingdom of God was doing, such a momentum could’ve been built up that the Democrats would’ve been swept away, their current use of dirt, of political tricks at the last minute, would have hardly been noticed.”

Polley said that Jesus admires Schwarzenegger because Arnold opposes homosexuality and has fought the Nazis since he was a little boy. I e-mailed Polley back: “Someone has given Jesus some misinformation,” I said. “Arnold condones homosexuals and his dad was a Nazi. Please respond and tell me if that information has changed Jesus’ endorsement.” I figured that, just like the Oakland Tribune, which changed its endorsement when word of Schwarzenegger’s smarmy past was revealed, Jesus might do the same. Polley did get back to me, but he said that I was the one who is misinformed. I also learned that Polley’s wife Linda, an “internationally known psychic,” has channeled from the afterlife John Lennon’s “Hussein’s Butt Song,” which, she insists, “supports President Bush’s war with Iraq.” The melody is sort of a variation on “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall” and a song you’d roller-skate to. The lyrics, which are pretty much repeated in three verses, go like this: “Well, we kicked his butt before and we kicked his butt again! Hussein he was struttin’, he said that he could win. But we went and got him! We got him in the end. Well, we kicked his butt before, and we kicked his butt again!” It’s not exactly “Imagine” or “Working Class Hero,” and apparently Lennon’s changed his anti-war tune since he was assassinated 23 years ago.

Congrats to Sharon Hope (what a great and optimistic name), Neil Rankins and Peter Piatt for winning the Associated Students Recycling Program’s photo contest. The idea was to photograph illegal dumping areas on public land and submit them for competition, the judging for which was held at Sierra Nevada Brewing Company Oct. 2. There were 35 entrants, and the winner, Hope, gets to see that the spot she photographed, along Chico Creek near the campus, gets cleaned up by Norcal Waste Systems. You can check out all the photos at an exhibition in the Bell Memorial Union Art Gallery on the third floor of the BMU on Saturday, Oct. 11, and Sunday, Oct. 12, from noon to midnight.