Houris

The United States of America cannot possibly win the war on Islamic terrorism. They should just give up. Do you know why? Houris (HOO-rees). I remember hearing about the houris waiting in Paradise for Muslim men who killed themselves for the cause, but I hadn’t given the houris themselves much thought.

A houri is a beautiful, dark-eyed, female virgin, promised to all the faithful, not just suicide bombers, so I suppose blowing yourself up is just a way to get right to the finish line. Not long ago I saw some images of a young woman for whom the term “houri” might have been invented. That’s when it dawned on me that Bush and the boys don’t have a prayer, Christian or Muslim.

Young men today seem to be as randy as I remember my cohort was, and the promise of 72 luscious women could get the average guy to strap on any number of things, even high explosives. One luscious woman would work.

When I was an invincible 16-year-old, if anybody could have convinced me that blowing myself and others up for a cause, whatever it was, would cause six-dozen houris to vie for my sexual attentions forever, I’d’ve been offering to go up in smoke, too.

Young men are so dumb. I don’t know why more of us don’t die on the way to adulthood. Just give me your life, young fella, and it’s automatic houris for you, and not just a couple—six dozen beautiful women, guaranteed. Whole squads of fine young women for you, or maybe they’re exercising to stay supple, oiling their bodies, warming up for you. Even better, huh?

Young men will pretty much believe whatever you tell them, as long as you tell them over and over and over again. This one expresses your unique, rugged personality. It’s the real thing. We’re looking for a few good men. Blind obedience is a glorious attribute. Death for the sake of the homeland is noble and honorable. These colors don’t run.

Young men are profoundly gullible, and Christian soldiers who die for the cause can’t even look forward to getting laid. Who would Jesus shoot? The Christian heaven I’ve heard about—peace and praise—is no match for houris.

It seems the Koran also promises the faithful that in Paradise there will also be “boys of perpetual freshness.” Who’d have thought it? Dark-eyed beauties and sweet young boys, according to your preference, right in Paradise. Very inclusive, very California and, even better, we don’t even have to go all the way to Magalia.