Fade to twilight

The Twilight franchise has always been consistent in serving as a pop-culture punchline. Cite it as the poster child for the decline of Western civilization, and you’re likely to get a barked “Sparkly vampires!” as an amen. That’s a lot of power given to what’s just a supernatural soap opera for teenage girls—not exactly a sophisticated demographic. But when you get down to it, it’s no sillier than the Batman franchise. It just doesn’t go for baroque.

But if nothing else, Twilight is certainly ubiquitous in our culture. I haven’t touched any of the books or movies, but going into the “final” entry of the series I nonetheless knew that it was about morose high-schooler Bella (Kristen Stewart) who gets charmed by Edward (Robert Pattinson), a century-old vampire who still looks like one of the extras from Rebel Without a Cause. Sparks fly, and then he disappears on her. She then takes up with the werewolf next door (Taylor Lautner) until Edward storms back and fur flies. Bella decides she likes Edward better and has sex with him, gets knocked up with a mutant baby that tears her up pretty good, and Edward has to turn her into a vampire to save her from pushing daisies. Other things happen, but I think that’s pretty much all you need to know going into Breaking Dawn, Part 2.

So now, vampiress Bella (snerk) is all sunshine and smiles. And she’s got Edward well ’n’ truly whupped. They take runs through the woods and he shows her how to prey. And her new vampire family has fixed them up with a Thomas Kinkade cabin in the woods, so that the newlyweds can have rough vampire sex without annoying anyone. The only dark side to these happy days is that their newborn daughter is growing at an alarming rate, and some sinister cabal of bloodsuckers is breathing down their necks over some misunderstanding (not to mention the fact that the drama here is mostly conveyed by eye candies standing around in a posh living room explaining what’s going on). Other vampires drop in to show support and do parlor tricks to pass the time.

Finally, the swishy tribunal shows up on their back 40 and a battle royale explodes all over the snowscape as the vaguely Mormon vampires and their new werewolf friends take on the old-school establishment. Yeah, the subtext isn’t subtle. It’s actually a very well-crafted climax that concludes with a perfectly delivered punch line. And some mutterings that not-so-subtly set up the next cycle of sequels.

Overall, the material was handled with a lighter touch than I expected, which made some of the absurdities easier to swallow. If nothing else, Breaking Dawn 2 delivers on what it promised. Which when you think about it is pretty damned rare these days.