Ex-smoker yet to notice change in lungs

After roughly 14 years of smoking cigarettes, a local man who quit smoking two weeks ago declared that he “could not notice a difference in his lungs … in fact, they felt a little worse.” In a symbolic gesture, the man threw away two glass ashtrays from his apartment, telling skeptical friends and neighbors that he was “cleaning up his act” because he had started to hum audibly through his nose in bookstores and public areas.

“Just wait till the next time he gets drunk,” said a co-worker. “He doesn’t stand a chance."On Hollywood’s biggest night, as stretch limos rolled through some of the worst neighborhoods in South Central Los Angeles on their way to the Shrine Auditorium for the Oscar awards, more than a few celebrities were heard thanking their lucky stars.

“Dios mio, I’m hella glad I don’t live here,” said Benicio Del Toro, winner of the best supporting actor category. “This place stinks more than Tijuana.”

“Roll ’em up,” joked best lead actress Julia Roberts, as onlookers from a local Check Cashing building began walking towards her limo. “I love the world but not that much.” A Korean shop owner alleged that Ridley Scott’s limo nearly sideswiped a local bag lady as it sped through a crowd of homeless beggars.

When asked about the local hubbub, Essau Watkins, proprietor of the Shakey’s Car Wash only five blocks away, responded, “Oscar who? I don’t know no Got-dam Oscar round here."Local horticulturist Rollo Tompkins, 23, decided against a late-night booty call last Friday, telling friends in a pathetically drunken speech that he “seriously loves this new girl in the Bay Area.” Tompkins declared to a room full of visitors that this was “the first time in months” he had gotten drunk and not called a former “skank” to come over and perform sexual acts as he watched the late-night edition of Sportscenter.

“I think he’s full of it,” said friend Todd Wiggins. “He wasn’t gonna get any and he knows it. … No girl could be that desperate.”

Tompkins expressed disdain that his friends were not more impressed by his newfound willpower to avoid meaningless sex.

“Have you seen what chicks are wearing outside in Chico right now,” he said. “Practically nothing. … That takes a toll. For real, though.

Weekly Props

“1. Wildflower Century

2. Jeff Krulick film fest at NXN

3. Tim Wise’s "School Shootings and White Denial"