Deliver me

I find myself increasingly irritated at socio-cultural conundrums, and it has nothing to do with anti-depressant withdrawal or commuting on the new B-Line from Paradise (20 minutes tacked on the route), or a social life of cable TV, grocery shopping and seniors condo board meetings.

Celebrities on Access and E.T., and all my friends seem to feel the same. These pet peeves have morphed into a snarling poodle-roach-squirrel monster with an underbite, which I now must placate through a public airing. How many do you agree with?

Supermarkets that discount secretly unsavory items; all 50 of the cable channels show commercials simultaneously; increased perceived wax content in chocolate bars (also the chalky erosion of peanut butter cup centers); blaring film trailers, then the movie’s sound is too soft (soft and murky dialogue, yet loud and crisp FX/music tracks, all compounded when transferred to video); swap-meet vendors who charge $8 for an ‘80s made-in-China, 6-inch dinosaur; high-pitched excited male yuppies who do investment bank radio spots; navy blue dress shirts with black sports coats and no tie; pastel dress shirts with white collars; gardeners who regard condos as business parks (with atomic power pruners).

Kids playing games on library computers; tap-water with high-chlorine content (even the dishes stink!); the vanished 99-cent build-your-own burrito at the vanished Chico State University cafeteria; the ratio in the Northstate of SUVs and pickups (especially elevated ones with giant tires) to passenger cars; Paula Abdul, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O’Reilly, Tara Reid and Nancy Grace; the decibels and austerity of car commercials; Friends, Just Shoot Me, Everybody Loves Raymond, Cheers and Frasier; the success of Britney, Jessica, Jennifer and Hillary; people who turn away to mutter blasphemies as if you can’t tell; teens and frat f**ks who spit as you walk by (or yell insults from speeding cars).

People who pathologically head to the back of the bus; the sound of slamming skateboards in densely populated areas; mildew and dust mite lethargy when there’s nothing on TV; the announcers on the TV guide channel and Max-X; altitude change anxiety when descending “The Ridge"; people who put paper marker slips in art books; flat liters of soda; loud cell phone speak on buses ("We’re breaking up"); the cement and brick/fluorescent chic ambience of CSU and Chico businesses; having a nightcap only to fall asleep; remembering to take Lipitor; having four bikes that are all too small; having one of those bikes stolen by a deranged homeless man.