Days of Lore

The kids are all right Ever since my close friends began squeezing out babies a few years ago and, hence, leaving me in the proverbial dust of what people my age are supposed to be doing—you know, planting my seed—I’ve been able to live vicariously through them without actually having to deal with all the little things like soiled diapers and the frustration a parent feels when a child refuses to eat their SpaghettiOs. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. And my brother’s kids and my friends’ kids are great … but it sure is a lot more fun to visit, get the kids all riled up and then bid a fond goodnight as they struggle to put their brats to bed.

What most parents don’t realize is that they’re sitting on a goldmine. Sure, they may have delusions that their little Zion, or Destiny, or whatever name is hip at the moment, is going to grow up to become a professional athlete and put them up in mansions to live out their golden years—but why not have them bring in some cold hard cash right now?

Billion-dollar babies Now, in the business world, it’s a proven fact that puppies and babies are the most effective marketing tools known to man. They’re cute. They’re cuddly. People are suckers for them—especially women. Years ago I would go to the store with my friends, baby in tow, and I’d see how people, most notably women, would react. They’d eat it up. I’d joke that I wanted to borrow said baby for an afternoon to pick up on women. I’d simply make up a sob story about how the mother left the two of us and how my unbridled love for the child is the only thing that gets me through the day and voilà! Hey, Will Smith tried it in an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to reel in Tyra Banks.

Everybody’s business, part deux My business proposal is simple: If you’re a parent with a baby around the age of 1 or 2, I will help you rent the little bundle out to singles looking to hook up … for a small fee, of course. Think about it. Instead of a paying for a babysitter, some loser will pay you … and me! You provide the child; I’ll take care of all the paperwork and legal matters.

Here’s how it works: Each child comes with a script for that swinging single like, “My spouse left me for my best friend,” or, for more dramatic effect, “My significant other died from a terminal illness,” complete with a fabricated backstory, provided by myself. The bachelor or bachelorette is in the grocery store with the baby, who smiles and drools. The person of the opposite sex sees this and asks the baby’s name—instant conversation. Don’t forget your lines!

Umm … no Of course, not everyone is going to be into hanging out with a person who has “baggage.” In that case, we offer the pet plan. Dogs and, even more so puppies, are just as effective as children. Take little Barfy out for a walk in Bidwell Park and you’re in like Flynn. I did some market research recently by taking CN&R calendar editor Jason Cassidy’s little poodle Honey for a walk … didn’t work so well.

Be patient Due to the usual rigmarole that goes with starting any new business, the 1078 Gallery won’t be opening for another two to four weeks, meaning the scheduled David Bazan/Micah P. Hinson show set for Friday (July 21) will take place at Subud Hall at 574 E. 12th St. Doors open at 7 p.m., and the show starts at 8 p.m.

A couple more … Also on tap are the following fine shows: Friday (July 21) is The Rev. Shelby Cobra, Clifford Greenwood and The Ugly Stick at Off Limits. And if you feel like making a little trip to Red Bluff, Union Coffee House is hosting an all-ages hardcore show for the mall rats with Red Tape (from Sacto), Scenic Attraction, Distortion Drum, ED and Dead Reckoning Saturday, (July 22) at 7 p.m.

No more cheesburgers—<script type="text/javascript" language="javascript"> </script>.