Days of Lore

A guy walks into a …
I was sitting in a Lebanese restaurant in Portland, just swirling my falafel in some tahini, when I looked up and … is that …? A tall, slender man wearing block-y eyeglasses had walked in carrying a car-seat with his li’l baby. He approached the counter and grabbed his takeout order. I stared a lengthy stare to make sure it really was who I thought it was.

It was he.

“Hey Steve! Why did you have to get so jammy on the new record?!” I yelled.

It was like a scene out of a movie … you know, the jukebox stops and everything goes dead silent? People craned their necks back toward me. His eyes locked on me like a laser. My head felt like it was on fire.

This man calmly handed the car-seat to the waitress as he strode slowly in my direction; his eyes didn’t budge. He stopped, placed both hands on my table and leaned in. The tip of his nose met mine.

“Because I’m Stephen Malkmus.”

He slowly stood up. The waitress handed over the baby and his food, and he walked out into the chill Portland air.

The record, straight
OK, that didn’t really happen—except the part about seeing Stephen Malkmus in a Lebanese restaurant in Portland … oh, and the fact that the former Pavement singer-guitarist is getting a little more jam-happy on his just-released record Real Emotional Trash (the title track clocks in at 10:08).

This time around Malkmus brought in Sleater-Kinney’s Janet Weiss on drums. Gawd this is going to be good. In fact, I’m going to pick up a copy right now … wait, are there any places left to buy music in this town?

Color me badd ass
I misread the press release for Aye Jay! Morano’s upcoming in-store appearance for his Heavy Metal Fun Time Activity Book. I thought there was going to be a contest to see who could paint the best Gene Simmons makeup on their face. Turns out they are asking people to draw themselves as the God of Thunder with the signature demon makeup provided on page 27. That could have been embarrassing.

Aye Jay!—the guy also responsible for the Gangsta Rap Coloring Book—will be at Barnes & Noble Sat., March 8, at 3 p.m. to discuss what went into his latest creation and maybe even sign a few books (if this were a true metal event, he’d sign some boobs).

The winner of the “Draw Yourself as Gene Simmons” contest will win a copy of Martin Popoff’s The Top Heavy Metal Albums of All Time. And by simply dropping your name in a box, you’ll be eligible for a drawing for Popoff’s Top 500 Metal Songs of All Time.

So far I’ve connected the dots to Buzz from the Melvins’ ’fro, and finished drawing the face of Eddie from Iron Maiden. And I’m about to draw myself as Gene Simmons. Haha … prepare to lose, losers!

Putting the puke in your boots
All the hype surrounding local singer-songwriter Aubrey Debauchery’s first release with her band The Puke Boots (He’s a Damn Good Liar, out March 14), has overshadowed the fact she’s been winning the hearts of TV viewers everywhere on American Idol.

Ahh, reminds me of my little stint on the show during season five. Those were special times, full of promise and hope. Well, I’m ready to join forces with Miss Debauchery. Yes … we shall be called the American’t Eye-Dullz—a gnarly punk rock duo that covers Kelly Clarkson songs with drums and a banjo run through an old stomp-box. And we’ll go straight to the top. Just you wait and see.

In the meantime, get ready for the CD release party Friday, March 14, at 1078 Gallery (I heard “The Smith Song,” and it sounds fantastic). Joining the fun will be locals Ol’ Yeller, Belda Beast and Gorgeous Armada. The show will also kick off the band’s tour that will take Aubrey Dee and her Puke Boots down the West Coast through March.