Days of Lore

Hooray for Christmas columns!
How does this always happen? I have only about a week to finish my Christmas shopping … in fact, as you read this, it’s a safe bet that I haven’t even started. Hooray for Christmas!

There are several factors that keep me from getting a head start on shopping: a) I hate going anywhere near 20th Street; b) the holidays bring out the worst in people (driving, temperament); c) I’m broke; and d) I don’t have any money. Hooray for journalism!

I know, I know: Shopping these days is as easy as a click of the mouse, and it’s the thought that counts, not how much you spend. BUT, you never quite know what you’re going to get unless you’re able to touch and smell and manhandle that China-made product you wish to purchase for your loved one. And yes, I could get away with being cheap, but I’d rather skip giving gifts altogether than buy some junky trinket that someone’s just going to bury in a kitchen drawer anyway. Hooray for [insert noun here]!

Desk-chair shopper
So I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do this year. Hmm … wait a second … would you look at that! On the book shelf. Right in front of my desk. Stacks upon stacks of CDs and books that have been sent to the CN&R over the past year. Some untouched. Looking new. And I didn’t even have to move from my cushy little swivel chair. And it doesn’t technically count as regifting since these weren’t given to me as gifts. Brilliant! I’m so excited over this discovery that I’ve decided to give out presents to people who normally wouldn’t receive anything from me. This is, indeed, going to be a merry Christmas for all.

It’s the thought that counts
Hmm … what do we have here? This Old Spouse: A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Restoring, Renovating, and Rebuilding Your Relationship. I can’t think of anyone I know who needs this, so I decided to send it off to Republican Sen. Larry Craig. It does make for great bathroom reading, but I’m not sure it covers gay unions.

One book looked particularly ominous: Who’s Deceiving the Liberals? Unmasking Who’s Stealing Your Future—it includes a zany plot twist where the author decries liberals as the ones who are actually deceiving the liberals. She also links Gnosticism to modern liberalism … all this in only 84 pages! I gave this one to the trash can. Merry Christmas, trash can!

Looking through some of these CDs, I found one from a band called Holy Rolemodel. Allow me to recite a brief description from the band’s press release. Ahem … “Hide your liquor and lock up your daughters. Holy Rolemodel is coming to town to remind you of what it was like when punk still had balls.”

I do like my punk to have balls. This gift will go to Daniel Taylor, which I’m hoping will get me into next year’s Synthesis Christmas party. Wink.

And what is this? The Dethalbum, by Dethklock? Ahh yes, the fictional metal band from Adult Swim’s Metalocalypse. With songs like “Murmaider,” “Birthday Dethday” and “Briefcase Full of Guts,” I can see giving this to … OK, I kept it for myself. I’m a greedy, greedy man who doesn’t know the true meaning of Christmas!

And finally …
Well, my shopping is done. And it took me less time than it did to write this column. With that out of the way, I can start concentrating on more important things … like making my list of unattainable New Year’s resolutions.

So here’s wishing you all a wonderful Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and winter solstice. And if you receive some random, slightly worn present wrapped in a used CN&R … you’re very welcome.