Culture vulture

Zero Population Growth vs. babies havin’ babies
First of all, it should be on public record that Culture Vulture loves babies, rugrats, toddlers, tykes, kids, children and all of the other larval forms of humanity. We love playing peek-a-boo, reading Babar and Dr. Seuss aloud, eating too much candy, speculating on why dogs like to sniff each others’ butts, hunting shiny stones, making mud pies and climbing trees. There are few childlike activities we don’t like, excepting the ones that involve pulling the tails, legs, wings and other appendages off of assorted small creatures that possess such attributes.

We love children so much, in fact, that we think everyone should be one at least once a day for at least an hour or two (this despite having found the term “your inner child” abhorrent since first encountering it sometime in the 1970s). Why, my inner inquisitor asked upon first seeing this phrase, should the aspect of your personality that is still curious, innocent, and untrammeled by base adult concerns be restricted to some repressed inner sanctum of the mind? We have yet to encounter a satisfactory answer to that question.

And yet, even with our love of children stoked to a fever pitch, Culture Vulture cannot avoid the unpleasant observation that sooner or later most of them turn into full-grown human animals, and while we cherish the companionship and sympathize with the problems of our fellow adults, we find it impossible—given the present sociological, ecological and economic travails of humanity at large—not to conclude that there are far too many of us currently collected on the face of this finite Earth.

We believe, in fact, that the greatest favor that humanity could do for the Earth at this juncture would be to stop producing adults. The sad corollary to that belief is that until we as a race—the all-encompassing human race—can learn to control our destructive effect on our environment and each other, we should stop having babies that cannot be properly cared for, educated and eventually employed.

We realize that for many, this is a dreadful and unacceptable concept. There are ravening hordes of adults that believe every act of human procreation is sacred, and they are willing to turn the Earth into an overpopulated, perpetually warring, famine-wracked ball of perpetual torment in defense of their point of view. It’s quite a conundrum.

We sympathize so thoroughly with the sentiments of the anti-abortionists and right-to-lifers that we herewith present a modest proposal for their comfort and edification. Let a national lottery be set up which all anti-abortionist and anti-contraceptionists can register for, and each time an unwanted pregnancy is forced to term let one of their names be drawn and let them be presented with the child to be cared for under the law as one of their own. And let us adjust our tax structure so that all children—no matter what income bracket they are born or raffled into—are guaranteed quality health care, nutritious food, and educational opportunities attuned to their natural aptitudes as they mature into adults.

It’ll never happen, but if it did at least we’d know we died trying.