Crazy days ahead

And Satan awoke after a night drinking the blood of kittens mixed with boxed wine, pleased with himself, for he knew that as long as Twilight continued, his presence would most surely be felt among moviegoers. Alas, nobody told him that the franchise would reach its end in 2012, until Jesus called:

Jesus: “Good morning, Satan. Hate you.”

Satan: “Waddup, Jesus. Hate you too. Didn’t I ask you not to call me here?”

“Hey Satan, no more Twilight after November this year. Sucks to be you!”

“Noooooooooooooo!”

Yes, the final Twilight drops Nov. 15, but thankfully there is a lot more to look forward to for the rest of 2012. This is but a sampling of the fall lineup (with plenty of noteworthy upcoming titles missing, like Dredd 3D, End of Watch, The Paperboy, The Man with the Iron Fists, Life of Pi, Hyde Park on the Hudson, Flight, Les Misérables, The Impossible and the new Bond film Skyfall), and I must say, this looks like it’s going to be a very exciting time for moviegoers.

The Master (Sept. 21): Writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson is pure genius, and he’s never made a film I didn’t like. I doubt he ever will. This film, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as a man supposedly based on Scientology master L. Ron Hubbard, got a bunch of awards at the Venice Film Festival and marks the return of Joaquin Phoenix. I want this in my face now!

Trouble with the Curve (Sept. 21): Clint Eastwood drags his craggy ass out of the house to do some acting as a baseball scout hanging around with his daughter, played by the ever reliable Amy Adams. I already hate this movie because Eastwood plays a scout for the Atlanta Braves.

Looper (Sept. 28): Yes, I believe September, usually a suck month for movies, is going to kick some mortal ass this year, culminating with this sci-fi trip starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a time traveling assassin who faces off against a very strange (and familiar) opponent in Bruce Willis.

Frankenweenie (Oct. 5): Tim Burton directs a black-and-white stop-motion animation film based on a live-action short he did years ago. Looks amazing.

Argo (Oct. 12): Ben Affleck sports Zac Efron hair for his latest directorial effort, an Iran hostage crisis movie where he can lose the Boston accent.

Seven Psychopaths (Oct. 12): Warped playwright/writer-director Martin McDonagh (In Bruges) is back, doing a dark comedy about dognapping with Colin Farrell once again in tow. Throw in Sam Rockwell, Christopher Walken and Woody Harrelson, and you have the makings of one to remember.

Cloud Atlas (Oct. 26): The Wachowskis, makers of The Matrix, return and co-direct with Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run). The likes of Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play a series of different roles in different times, with their characters having some sort of “connection.” This could be one of the year’s biggest surprises.

Lincoln (Nov. 16): Steven Spielberg directs and Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the title character, a really swell car that gets terrible gas mileage but truly does deliver when it comes to luxury. Oh, wait …

Killing Them Softly (Nov. 30): Director Andrew Dominik re-teams with his The Assassination of Jesse James star Brad Pitt, who plays bad as a mob enforcer.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Dec. 14): Peter Jackson returns to his wheelhouse with a projected trilogy of Hobbit films. Am I the only one who thinks the trailers for this look kind of blah? It just looks like a bunch of dwarves singing songs and smoking pipes. Fuck that shit.

Zero Dark Thirty (Dec. 19): Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, makes a film about the hunt for Osama bin Laden. I think a lot of gun-toting conservative types will ejaculate when the old bastard finally takes one in the head.

Jack Reacher (Dec. 21): Tom Cruise’s latest “Oh, come on … I’m not that crazy!” comeback has him starring as a guy who drives fast and punches hard. And he can also sing Def Leppard like nobody’s business and has rock hard abs. Seriously, let’s not forget how good he was in Rock of Ages.

Django Unchained (Dec. 25): So, if Hobbits, Christopher Walken, James Bond and Joaquin Phoenix haven’t kicked your ass by year’s end, here comes the latest Quentin Tarantino movie, about a slave (Jamie Foxx) given a chance for revenge and freedom … and it’s STARRING LEONARDO DICAPRIO! Oh … my … God.