Commercial

Hey, good-looking! Buy some of our plastic things! Ours are better than the others. Look at theirs—plain, no logo, no decals. And our things have metallic patches. Metallic patches! You know you like ’em. Come on and get ’em.

I don’t mean the patches are actually metal. No, certainly not. That’s why I distinctly said “metallic.” That means like metal. No, our patches are plastic, specially treated in the Orient to look like metal.

And, as usual, it’s all for you. It’s always about you, because we are customer-centric. We take the time and trouble—and it’s a lot of trouble, let me tell you—to make those patches look like metal, because we know you like metal. We figure you’ll be more likely to want our things if they have on them some plastic that looks at first glance like metal. That’s the only reason we do it—to please you, so you will keep giving us money in exchange for our plastic things, which are certified by the federal government, just like your money. Coincidence? Intelligent design.

We make only plastic things, though. Metal things are too heavy and expensive for our profit projections. And they last way too long.

But we’ve got a crapload of plastic things, and some of them are indistinguishable from a metal thing until you pick it up. Buy one!

Yes, they give off gas, but that might not be as bad as you may be thinking. Don’t be so judgmental. Some gas is so good, it’s illegal. Check it out. Get some before you need a license. Buy a few and stash ’em. That’s right, you can have a legal stash!

And you know what? If you buy our plastic things, members of your target gender will be unable to resist your charms. They’ll talk to you and smile at you and might even take off their clothes for you, and we know you like that. So, you see, our things are actually fun! In fact, if you buy one of our most expensive plastic things and somehow using or ingesting it according to the instructions doesn’t fill you with joy and good will, we’ll refund your money, actually our money by then. Just log on to www.plasticcrap.com and follow the prompts to the necessary forms, and eventually you’ll get your refund.

We’ve heard unconfirmed reports that our things have influenced, and even helped, minors to do things we hope they’ll regret, but our disclaimer notice in the one-point type in the battery compartment absolves us of any responsibility.

Most of all, our plastic things save energy. They do. Of course, you won’t save energy over not using one of our plastic things at all. No, but our plastic things use far less energy than other plastic things in their category, and the pounds will melt away.

Fight global warming! Smell better! Charge it!