Cheesespread
RGW Mr. Kristol, this is the Rev. Gus Wagster (certified from the Church of the Subgenius and the Universal Life Church in Modesto). Thanks for the interview. You’ve been called “one of the great chicken hawks of all time,” as you continually write in your editorial column for Murdoch’s Weekly Standard newsmagazine that our country should lead an attack on Iraq and any other evil nations with nasty weapons. Could you tell everybody what a chicken hawk is, for those too young to know?
WK Well, I believe a chicken hawk is in reference to someone who cheerleads for war but when asked to go himself coils into a ball beneath a bed. For example, Bush (and before him Clinton) was called a chicken hawk for choosing to avoid military service, enjoy his inheritance and party with rock cocaine instead.
RGW Thank you. Now, you say we should bomb Iraq right away, correct?
WK Oh yes! We can’t wait around for our allies to get a clue. We must take the lead in the war on terror. We must rid the world of evil forever. … As you’ll soon find out, the Oklahoma City bombings and anthrax are connected to Iraq as well—for that alone we need to kick some butt and install a puppet regime pronto!
RGW So, it’s because we care about ridding the world of psychos and not because Iraq holds a lot of the world’s oil or that Bush is essentially a corporate lackey manipulated by those around him to placate special interests like a knock-kneed ho?
WK Absolutely not, and I resent your calling our Supreme Court-appointed president a prostitute. Any country worth its salt would hang you for that.
RGW Well, our allies think we’re nuts, and an Iraqi ground war featuring only U.S. troops could result in 20,000 or so dead, thanks to Psycho Hussein’s chemical and bio weapons. Are you willing to use our young men for company fodder?
WK You underestimate our country’s fine tradition of courage in the name of democracy, sir. The honor of dying for the man next to you.
RGW Don’t you mean dying for rich oil guys back—
WK Now you listen, this country need be very afraid of evil. Very afraid.
RGW Really? Why can’t we all just stay home and eat Cheetos, like you? Maybe use that $400 billion Pentagon budget for helpful things like curing disease and domestic issues instead of preserving our corporate feudal lords?
WK [Makes tweety bird sounds.] Whatever, pinko! God, guns and guts keep us safe from the nuts. Mark my words, fear is the foundation of a good democracy. Interview over.
RGW Thanks again. Will Kristol, everybody!
Overheard
“The execution of Martin Luther King Jr. by the combined forces of the FBI, the military, and the upper echelons of the American government was proven beyond reasonable doubt in a U.S. courtroom not three years ago. Why has the vindication of James Earl Ray and the King family been ignored?”
—William F. Pepper from An Act of State: The execution of Martin Luther King
Weekly props
1. Verso fall book catalogue (9/11 anniversary books from Baudrillard, Zizek and Virilio)
2. World Cup mania
3. The Bad Seed (1956)
4. Blue Room commercials in Spanish
5. Congratulations Tim and Christine
