Cheesespread

Halloween smackdown!
Plenty of locals have given their opinions on ways the Chico City Council can waste thousands of dollars in advertising aimed at eliminating the frightening specter of Halloween “party central” in downtown Chico.

The looting, the riots, the senseless buttock stabbings over gang turf.

So, in the spirit of community service, here is a list of my own valuable suggestions on how to avoid large Halloween crowds (given at no cost, of course—you’re welcome, Yamaguchi et al.)

10. Run radio/print/ television ads for the largest assembly of free Christian rock bands in California history on Halloween night.

9. Local print/radio ads inviting Chico homeless for free “sh*t, shower and shave” in open-air tents in the Plaza Park on Halloween from 8pm to midnight.

8. Dramatic TV commercial (with death metal from Celtic Frost) focusing on life-like dummies of decapitated frat boys impaled on spikes around the outskirts of town: “Warning to fools that come hither …”

7. Slow-motion TV commercials featuring heavily armed police riding elephant patrols with leashed cheetahs by their side (excerpt in deep voice): “They say a heart attack feels just like a elephant standing on your chest … Halloween in Chico, don’t do it.”

6. Require all Halloween participants dress as Harry Potter characters and repeatedly play Celine Dion’s “Love theme from the Titanic” over outdoor loudspeakers all night long.

5. Deputize former Different Strokes star Todd Bridges and put him in charge of security team of Hell’s Angel meth addicts.

4. Stage nationwide convention of large-scale manure art in downtown Plaza Park.

3. Use ski resort snowmaking machines to spray the downtown with leftover pollen and cat dander.

2. Allow Civil War re-enactment enthusiasts to stage epic night battle between Main and Broad using real cannons and pitbulls.

1. Massive campaign of TV spots implicating suburban teens that party on Halloween with supporting terrorism: “Today, I wore a Spider-Man mask, had a beer and blew up a bus of people in Israel.”

Overheard
“The U.S. is what I call financialized. We’re so caught up in money games and speculation and derivatives and instruments. No longer do people want to make things or transport things or grow things, they just want deals and money. … There’s a pretty substantial danger of technology transfer away from the U.S. [since] we’re such an internationalized economy … People are starting to say the tax burden should be moved off of the people who actually work and do something and onto the people sitting around playing with all the financial stuff.”

—Kevin Philips, author of Wealth and Democracy

Weekly props
1. High Sierra Music Fest in Quincy
2. Black Uhuru at the Brick (6/22)
3. Al-Qaeda sending Eminem into hiding
4. NBA draft, June 26 (4 p.m. on TNT)