Cheesespread

Bush knew about 9-11 attacks, but not exact time
Defending himself from critics and tail-dragging Democrats alike, George Dubya said that, although he did have prior knowledge of the 9-11 plane hijackings, he had absolutely no idea of the precise time of day.

“It’s just not news,” said Bush’s minister of information, Airy Flesher. “The president hears threats from crazy Arabs all the time—he’d be a fool not to laugh them off. On the day in question the president was late for a meet and greet with Verne Troyer (Mini Me) and a group of dancers from the Playboy Mansion. At the time, there was nothing to indicate that the plane thing was more important.”

Democrats questioned whether Mini Me had impeded intelligence gathering—and indeed whether the popular dwarf actor was some type of spy.

“This is the fifth or sixth Bush incident which should have gotten him impeached,” said dashing Democrat Tom Daschle. “Maybe we should do like an official Senate inquiry thingy. I just don’t know.”

Meanwhile, Bush pointed to popularity polls conducted by his daughters at a Texan frat party that indicated he was still “pretty darn invincible thanks to all the dead people in New York.”

Top 10 White House counterspin terrorist threats
10. Terrorists are infiltrating inner-city carwashes disguised as Snoop Dog or Dr. Dreand brake tampering.

9. Plans were found for attacking George Lucas’ ranch using emus carrying grenades.

8. al-Qaida operatives plan to sabotage NBA Finals “bobbleheads” with C-4 explosive.

7. Osama bin Laden is believed to be working the ring toss at Busch Gardens amusement park in Tampa, Fla., where he hopes to launch an attack of performing killer whales strapped with chemical bombs.

6. Anthrax-contaminated marshmallow peeps were discovered in a Tennessee Wal-Mart.

5. Terrorists plan to hold fake game preview conferences for “30-something dorks addicted to home video games,” then blow the buildings.

4. Terrorists have ordered 5 million spitting cobras and are planning to place them in children’s Christmas stockings.

3. Plan to strap William “Refrigerator” Perry with explosives and drop him from the Space Needle.

2. Plan to kidnap Walter Cronkite, Britney Spears and/or Spider-Man, make them recite the Koran and stomp a Bush dummy on live TV.

1. Plan to sabotage Pepsi/Coke sales by putting Pop Rock candy in drinks.

Weekly props
1. Farewell Will Ferrell (one of the great sketch comics of our time)
2. Sal Casa’s COBA painting
3. Perpetual War for Perpetual Peace by Gore Vidal
4. Stephen Jay Gould R.I.P. (We love you.)