Cheesespread

Chicoans prepare for Halloween piss flood
Response has been varied to the recent Chico City Council decision to distance itself from this year’s Halloween festivities by not providing lights, toilets or extra trash containers for the thousands of drunken kids who will take over local streets.

Ideas yet to be discussed before the council include: the possibility of one enormous urination pit in the downtown park to be used by hundreds of party-goers at once, simultaneously funneling urine to an underground hydroelectric system that could power the downtown for two weeks. Another motion, calling for the urine to be privately bottled and sold to Internet fetish groups, is stalled due to costs and feasibility.

“We all have a fundamental right to enjoy ourselves in college and get so drunk that our kidneys fail,” said one college student. “Sure, some people will always be getting raped or stabbed—but get real. We don’t create the violence. It’s a societalized problem, brau.”

Other college students believe that turning the lights out on Fifth Street will only incite drunker students to rape and pillage more thoroughly.

“Dude, can you blame them? You turned the lights out,” said a member of Delta Kyle Pile. “The council is creating mass confusion for drunks, and that’s not fair.”

Some downtown stores are already seeing an increase in the number of full-body rain gear suits being sold in response to what some see as a dangerous invitation for Halloween partiers to pee wildly on anything and everything.

“Hard rain’s gonna fall,” said Fester Waltrip, 52, who lives downtown. “I’ve already got my sons building a moat around the house. We’re gonna have hidden electric fences and live Internet video cameras set up. Any those punks think about pissing on me or my family—they got another thing coming.”

A recent press release from the makers of the College Girls Gone Wild! Video series issued a stern denouncement of the Chico City Council decision, adding that without lights on 5th Street, “T&A” shots would be tougher to film and would require additional lighting expenses for the company.

Sign-carrying members of certain Christian organizations will forget their differences and join with pornography organizations for staged protests next October, believing the lack of toilets could create a urine flood of biblical proportions.

“Those who lived a good life in harmony with the Lord Almighty need not worry when the Great Pee comes. They will be provided for.”

Weekly props
1. The TerminalWasteBand

2. Christianne Klein vs. Alec Baldwin (Politically Incorrect grudge match)

3. Pop Secret live at a party

4. "Oh my goodness"—Doug Christie to the camera after his game winning dunk