Cheesespread

Survey shows Americans are ‘getting very, very sleepy’
A recent survey by Fox News found that American television viewers are feeling “very, very sleepy, and when they hear the snap of fingers, they will be happy with the current selection of corporate-owned television.”

This important finding comes only months after FCC chairman Michael Powell moved to revoke antitrust rules on media ownership, meaning that a few “Big League” companies may own most of the news Americans see on TV and newspaper media, effectively squashing competition and maintaining a virtual monopoly to promote their own products and silence dissent from anyone discouraged with the current level of corporate corruption filtering through nearly every level of American life.

While one of the most important domestic issues since civil rights slips under most people’s radar, polls show that “when Americans awake, they will feel relaxed, refreshed and starving for more Must See TV.” (For more reading, see George Orwell’s 1984.)

Osama bin Laden surfaces at Jersey Hooters
A disguised man witnesses believed to be Osama bin Laden was spotted vomiting near the ladies’ restroom in a Trenton, N.J., Hooters restaurant last weekend. After groping several waitresses and spewing a mixture of hot wings and Coors, the suspect escaped just before a Special Forces team arrived with grenade launchers and opened fire, killing half the people inside and covering the surrounding low-income neighborhood with a sticky, napalm-like residue of silicon breast and ass filler.

In a press release, President Bush called the incident “unfortunate but ultimately necessary in what will be a long battle against evil people who God hates.”

Couch Mob curses Mavericks owner
For a brief period, Chico-area Sacramento Kings fans (the Couch Mob) forgot about their hatred of frontrunners the Los Angeles Lakers in order to focus on Mark Cuban, billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Reaction to the controversial owner came after a recent trade that sent players Nick Van Exel and Raef LaFrenz to Dallas for virtually nothing—effectively hurting the Kings in the playoffs.

“From hell’s heart I stab at thee,” said one of the Couch Mob, setting down a warm can of Tecate. “Who does Cuban think he is, Little Lord Fauntleroy? The guy looks like a 12-year old with that bowl cut.”

“If Webber keeps playing like an uncoordinated rec-league punk, we’re done for,” said another.

Amid arguing over the value of power forward Chris Webber, the Couch Mob continually cursed and spit upon anything Mavericks-related, vowing to shower Cuban with pretzels and beer.

“It would have been so sweet,” said one teary-eyed Couch fan. “The championship parade in Sac-town would have been the biggest party ever. I need to be alone for a while, guys.”

Weekly props
1. Biking in the orchard bloom
2. Tom Waits’ Blood Money
3. Bill Moyers’ Now