Cheesespread

Oh beautiful, auspicious skies …
Needless to say, the State of the U address was a pathetic joke in its ignorant, play-to-the-masses, Good vs. Evil approach (not even decent scriptwriters! Note to the White House: My boy just got a three-year contract at Mad TV; I can hook you up if you kick down some laws G). Rev. Jesse is right—not all of us are so gung-ho about squashing religious nuts that we would ignore important domestic issues, decimate Social Security and Medicare, and lead increasingly ignorant generations astray.

I enjoyed all the subliminal military bullsheet during El Super Bowl (Yvan eht Nioj!) but if I have to hear one more leader say “our ideals"—our very human drive to be free—were attacked on Sept. 11, I’m going to puke through my nose into my Ben & Jerry’s. Get it right—we were attacked for our foreign policies (duh). Take the way Enron’s broke-ass shareholders feel, multiply times a million, and that’s how people around the globe feel about our capitalist re-education program and bloody support for apartheid regimes. Terrorism is just the sadly immoral and incorrect last resort of the beat-down—and tightening the noose with inflated military budgets will only create more terrorists (in mi Cheesey opinion).

You also had to love $3 million of our tax money being spent on two stupid commercials that tried to link little Bobby, the high school mexi-schwag dealer, to Osama bin Laden—another brilliant Bush appropriation of our taxes.

The whole Enron schmeal and the fact that people are worried about—what else—money in the form of 401(k) plans and personal investments—this might actually lead to some progressive change, some real oversight maybe (checks and balances, what a novel idea!). Campaign finance reform is looking more mainstream. Change is in the diaper breeze, cocheese.

Hot band alert
Let me be the first to praise a local, all-female group soon to be gracing our finest, beer-stunk stages. I haven’t heard a note yet, but I know these fine mamas and can safely assume they will rock your ass. It’s been a while since we had a good chick band (Sue Reed and the bikini-clad Nothing Rhymes with Orange come to mind)—and it’s about tiempo, in mi Cheesey opinion. In a related story, female Viagra is about to hit shelves and should provide a popular drink-spike for club monkeys who can’t get laid using their brain. Should be a dope spring in Collegeville (alas, I’ll be finding my groove in the French colonial village of Danat over in ‘Nam, so I’ll likely miss all the slobbering, clitorally enflamed Viagra women on the rampage). Keep dreamin', fellas.

Weekly props
1. World Economic Forum protesters
2. All-Star Weekend (Gerald Wallace, throwdown contest)
3. Ron Jeremy’s S&M sideshow at the Brick (4/18)
4. Atomic Punks—Van Halen tribute at LaSalles (2/8)
5. Boots (The Coup) on Politically Incorrect
6. Taj Mahal at the Senator (3/31)