Cheesespread

revgus@newsreview.com

Lack of news content makes Donald Rumsfeld sexy
In a truly bizarre spin, the lack of honesty and actual news content in White House press conferences has driven the mainstream media to fantasize about the sexual prowess of Donald Rumsfeld.

“Bush is a good-natured, bumbling simpleton more suited for a spin-off bass-fishing show, while Rumsy is hot in a dominatrix kind of a way,” said the editor of Time magazine. “He’s so stern in his denial when asked to address real issues—like the thousands of innocent Afghan people we killed looking for a small band of psychotic cave nuts—it kind of turns me on. I secretly wish he would just bitch-slap me someday.”

The 69-year old Rumsfeld has received offers from Playgirl magazine to pose nude, while tabloids link him to clandestine affairs with Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey and George Clooney, among others. Though slightly embarrassed about all the attention, Rumsfeld told the press, “Size really doesn’t matter that much. I believe it’s much more the motion of the ocean.”

“These stories about my husband’s virility—combined with Viagra crates in our closet—has made my life a new definition of hell,” joked wife Joyce Rumsfeld without the slightest semblance of a grin.

Meanwhile, an editorial item consigned to the back pages of Smalltown magazine agonized over how reporters cannot manage to blow open the Enron story of blatant bribery and misuse of power at the highest levels—"with the pathetic facts lying there like children’s blocks … Where are the Woodwards and Bernsteins of today? Where is Kenneth Starr when you need him? Why are younger generations not passionate about the truth! Have we, through video-feed culture based on money/image-at-all-costs, created a generation of slave ant idiots who don’t even know when someone is burning them with a magnifying glass? Are we letting our corporate-owned government run roughshod in the name of some abstract notion of democracy/capitalism as free choice—when the choice only applies to those who can afford it!! Are we headed toward inevitable REVOLUTION or has the two-headed beast learned to consolidate the MEDIUM to institutionalize ignorance for the transfer of old wealth? DOES ANYONE CARE, or are “these brain cells better spent on a good glass of whisky?” as a professor once asked.

A reader responds via email: “Your column is riddled with ultra-liberal views and half-truths …"—Joe “online pseudonym” Smith. (Ouch, Joe!)

Weekly props
1. GO KINGS

2. Blackalicious/Ozomatli at the Senator (Feb. 28)

3. Cloud 9 at the Blue Room

4. Michael Rose at LaSalles (1/29)

5. Ooh-Audrey Tautou (Amélie)