Cheesespread

Flying the not-so-friendly skies
What up, Chico. Here are some air travel tips I learned over the holidays:

First off, be prepared to show your driver’s license at every checkpoint—don’t leave home without it.

Think twice about wearing any beanie-type hats that remotely resemble Islamic-wear, as I found out in the Charlotte, N.C., airport. And if you have brown skin, you may want to keep carry-ons to a minimum (yes, they are profiling).

On board, if you puke—as the lady behind me did—don’t try to hide it. Any type of suspicious behavior can get you hogtied by a group of nerve-frazzled frat boys or a hidden U.S. marshal beneath your seat flotation device (Note: If traveling US Airways, watch for cheese pizza that tastes like a bus cushion and for involuntary, overhead viewings of that yuppie pant stain of a show, Friends).

Should your seat neighbor be a mad, gay organist from San Francisco who likes to view porn on his laptop in full view of surrounding passengers, order a scotch and get him talking about his favorite Monet paintings.

Although security was tightened, I got the feeling that somebody willing to die could still wreak havoc—which says a lot about the whole War on Terrorism.

Thanks to Iman Sven Rubinowitz for filling in these last two weeks.

Bush honored at warlords’ convention
President Bush was honored recently at the annual convention of warlords in southern Afghanistan.

“Without Mr. Bush, we would not be here today,” said spokesman Argh-Qelel. “The Taliban were religious freaks who tortured and killed in the name of Allah and made life hard for us. Now, thankfully, things are back to normal: killing people randomly for the pennies in their pocket.”

Warlords were duly impressed by the savagery of American weapons such as daisy-cutters, colorful mines that resemble children’s toys, and “bombs that make ceilings of fire and suck all oxygen-breathing things up into it. Awesome.”

Although Bush did not attend the event, he sent a personal thank-you card and an autographed poster of Arnold Schwarzneggar from the movie, Last Action Hero. Warlord festivities concluded with a goat-carcass polo game, with the winner receiving a customized, 1989 Hyundai with gold rims.

Weekly props
1. Chico Polar Bears
2. Fashion wear by Noel Ficken
3. Randy Larsen’s Eco Talk
4. Modest Mouse at the Brick in Feb.
5. Waking Life at the Pageant