Cheesespread

Eskimo state rejoices over Bush energy plan
Throngs of local revelers cheered wildly when it was announced in Alaska that Bush’s energy plan for drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge had passed in the House.

“I’m just glad we could help Californians with their energy crisis,” said one ecstatic grandmother. “Nobody will miss this place.”

Another man could barely contain his joy: “Thank God. This means all those people who bought SUVs will be able to refill so much cheaper. I’ve been dreaming of the day when my back yard could be put to good use.”

Many others celebrated by ripping the heads off of local raccoons, drinking their blood and dancing in the moonlight while chanting, “Bush! Bush! Bush!” over and over as a voice on a megaphone warned local woodland creatures that their days were numbered.

Additional good news from the 160-page energy plan revealed that more nuclear facilities were on the way stateside, meaning that Americans will once again be contributing heavily to dangerous toxins in the environment that could spark devastating consequences for all life forms.

Meanwhile, Bush granted himself another month-long Texas-BBQ vacation for his hard-earned victory for mega-rich corporations.

Eli Lilly to market generic cocaine
After losing the patent right to Prozac—a brain-targeting drug that turns one out of 10 Americans into Village of the Damned children—an Eli Lilly spokesman says not to worry, it has “plenty of new dope-stuff for the streets.”

“People may now be able to get their generic Prozac cheap and in bubble gum machines,” says co-founder/CEO B. Zilbub, “but we believe we’ve found a new version of cocaine that will sell even quicker.”

Officials reiterated at a press conference that by the time devastating health effects of the new drug (tentatively called Cardiaz or “Yoyane") become apparent—for most FDA-rushed drugs, usually 20-30 years—the company will have made its billions and moved on to the next brain-rotting elixir, leaving behind a wake of human wreckage.

“The great thing is, doctors will prescribe it for anything,” says Zilbub. “All you have to do is cry a little or complain about your period and you get hooked up (laughs).”

Weekly props
1. Ted Leo/Juno/Royal Crown at the Blue Room (Aug. 16)
2. Downtown Kings Arena?
3. Belle & Sebastian at the Warfield
4. Lauryn Hill unplugged