Cheesespread

Chico TV news stations to share sexless bathroom
In a move reminiscent of the hit television show Ally McBeal, local Channels 24 and 12 have decided to share a joint, androgynous restroom facility. This comes on the heels of an announcement that both channels will simulcast the same morning newscast in attempts to cut the possible number of channels viewers can escape to via remote control. Combining resources means that KNVN and KHSL will save money and viewers will ultimately have less to complain about the reporting.

“Your average Joe Blow hits the remote 479 times in one half-hour,” said Elmore Watkins, both stations’ spokesperson. “Having two channels just increases our chances of getting their attention, even if the material is the same.”

In the spirit of a competition-free environment, Watkins said sexless bathrooms would provide a relaxing team atmosphere where weekly shenanigans such as stall gymnastics and Barry White karaoke can occur from lovable characters like Anthony Watts.

The 24 show had suffered rating drops since wild young star Patrick Hammer was forced to leave due to an ongoing series of highly publicized Steely Dan rants, the latest involving a strange Wonder Woman outfit.

Webber to leave NBA
The Kings Chris Webber, the NBA’s most coveted free agent this year, shocked the world Wednesday when he announced that he was leaving basketball to pursue his dream of professional miniature golf.

“I think it’s time to be honest with myself,” said the all-star power forward. “After some time smoking in Jamaica and praying on it, I believe the right thing to do is to play as much putt-putt as humanly possible. … This is not about the money.”

Fans and fellow teammates let out a howl of disbelief when Webber tore off his practice jersey to reveal an authentic PPA (Pro Putters Association) jacket with sponsorship patches from Arby’s fast food, MiniGolf Maniacs and Beavis and Butthead’s Bunghole in One abusement park.

Webber said he plans to tour the world as the national PPA spokesperson, playing in miniature-golf parks as diverse as Birdie Sports Park in Bethesda; Hickory Dickory Dock in Mechanicsville, Va.; and Pirate’s Cove in Mobile, Ala.

A PPA players’ spokesperson said Webber might be in for a surprise.

“If he thinks he can just waltz in and start making hole-in-ones with the big boys, he better recognize,” said Billy Turgenson, an 11-year-old champion from Tallahassee. “If the windmill doesn’t get him, the smiling dolphins or the Mad Hatter will. He’ll wish he was back guarding Tim Duncan.”

Weekly props
1. Tight Bros./Sagers/Magnetic North at Senator
2. Blue Room raffle winners
3. Nina Simone live in SF
4. White Teeth by Z. Smith
5. Circle Jerks on tour