Cheesespread

Waggy, we hardly knew ye
It is with much regret that we announce we’ve lost the Rev. Gus Wagster. Just as mysteriously as he appeared on our back balcony steps a few years ago in a wrinkled, grass-stained white suit, smoking Old Gold 100s and sipping from a bottle of Seagrams Green Mist wine cooler, the good reverend disappeared without a word a few weeks back.

We’ve gotten reports that he’d jumped on a Continental Trailways bound for Texarkana to reunite with his high school sweetheart, Libby Lincoln. Somebody called and said they saw him working as a busboy at a Denny’s in Bakersfield. Another report has Wagster nodding out in a smoke-filled Amsterdam bar. Then we heard he was spotted hanging out in Croatia with nub-fingered Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iomi.

Whatever the reverend’s fate, we must continue to fill this column space with original thoughts and words lest it be taken over by a Spicy Personals promo. We’re not exactly sure where to go with this thing. And since we are still mourning the loss of the affable (if occasionally odorously offensive) Gus, we’re thinking of maybe adding a club crawl column here. Problem with that is you have to find someone who can socialize late into the night and still meet deadlines on a consistent basis. Remember Bitter Betty and Butch Dugger? God bless ’em, they were both pros.

So it goes with back page columnists. For some reason, they all end up like those ill-fated Spinal Tap drummers—spontaneously combusting, auto-erotically asphyxiating—it’s much more dangerous than people think. Perhaps a jumble might be the way to go. Or a column for cats—in 3D so they’d have to walk around wearing those ridiculous glasses. They’d be all like “Whoah, that mouse totally jumped right out at me. I’m trippin’, mrow.”

Of course, we could always use this space to pine for a vacation—we’re working too hard here, people.

Weekly props

1. The Udai and Qusai show

2. Spellbound at the Pageant

3. Crime fighting Rabbis