Cheesespread

BREAKING NEWS: Iraq nuclear device found in blind man’s cookie jar
An 86-year-old blind man in the Iraqi town of Fallujah received a rude awakening today when members of an elite U.S. Special Forces group burst into his small thatched room, firing heavy artillery in every direction and shouting “We found it!”

Rami Hussan, or “'Da Mayor,” as he is called by his Iraqi neighbors, was sleeping when the troops broke into his bomb-shelled home and quickly produced a small “Cracker Jack-shaped object” from a nearby cookie jar that U.S. officials are now calling “the smoking gun” in the hunt for weapons of mass destruction.

“We believe the crafty Hussan is actually the chemical mastermind previously known as Dr. Octopussy, or as some of us like to call him, the Aces Wild card,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reported in a press conference some 10 minutes later. “I believe this find concludes any controversy surrounding our reasons for the last Iraq war. Now, if you gentleman would excuse me, I have a war to finish and another to start.”

Hussan was not injured during the heroic battle, although collateral damage included some nearby civilians and a passing dog.

U.S. Special Forces soldier Lance Timberwolf is being called a hero for his random discovery of the secret cookie jar and has reportedly already inked a deal with MTV to host his own reality show, release an album of country standards and guest-host any three weeks of TRL Countdown Live.

Record companies stage public execution
Dawson Ferry, an 18-year old University of Georgia freshman, was hanged today in a public square by a coalition representing the major U.S. record labels.

“Ferry was an avid downloader of online music, sharing with friends and even strangers music that he should have paid grossly inflated amounts for,” said Clarence Fatback, president of the Moguls Against Discontent (MAD).

“These deaths must be seen as a message for the masses,” continued Fatback. “Artists like Eminem and Lars Ulrich need their extra millions and so do we.”

Overheard
[On Democratic hopeful Howard Dean:] “Dean is already sending a message to his announced supporters among the peace and social-justice advocates: Thanks, suckers. Usually major-party candidates wait until they have a lock on a presidential nomination before diving to the center.”

—Norm Solomon

Weekly props
1. Chico Peace and Justice Center

2. Guillermo Gomez-Pena

3. Prefuse 73, Extinguished: Outtakes

4. John Scofield at Sierra Nevada Brewery (8/24)

5. Katharine Hepburn, R.I.P.