Cheesespread
Phone call between Tony Blair and George W.
Blair: (Ring tone) Bloody hell, pick up.
Bush: (Click) Heh-lo! Hay-lo? Sorry, could ya speak up?
Blair: Mr. Bush, Tony Blair here. Listen, we have quite a serious problem—
Bush machine: Ha! Fooled ya—this is the presidential answering machine. We ain’t round right now. Where we be, nobody knows (snicker). I may just be screening my calls, so if you wanna start talking, just maybe you’ll get lucky. If not, take a number like the rest and God bless (beeep).
Blair: (Exasperated) George, listen, I would prefer not leaving this message on a machine. There is sensitive information involved. Could you please call me at—
Bush: (Picks up) Oh, what is it now, dammit? Don’t you watch CNN? Can’t you see I’m trying to learn to ride me one of them motorized scooters? I never in all my life heard such cryin'. I told you to sit tight. Operation Scorpio is underway, and we gonna make sure that WMDs are found ASAP on the QT (chuckles). So don’t worry your pointy little head about it.
Blair: Look, while you may have support in your country—not to mention your nation’s media in the palms of your hands—I don’t. They are starting to investigate me, George, and you said this would never happen. If you don’t find something soon, I’m going to—
Bush: (Singing) La la la la la la la la. I don’t hear you, Tony. And I don’t want to hear this crying no more, understood? Do I have to tell you the story of Tony the Tiger again? ‘Cause I will. Bottom line is you ain’t got no choice, T-Bone. You try to weasel out of our agreement and I’ll put it this way: Tattletales in Texas get strung up right quick.
Blair: (Sweating) I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. You’re the devil!
Bush: Awww (laughing). C’mon, Toneroony! Pull your panties outta your ass, boy! You actin’ queerer than a football bat! Didn’t you get my email about how we been misinterpreting the Bible when it said, “The meek shall inherit the earth"? I bet you didn’t even do your Bible homework, now did ya?
Blair: (Frightened) You’re insane.
Bush: No sir, I am not interested in changing my long-distance service, but thank you. It was nice chattin’ with you and don’t call us—we’ll call you.
Overheard
[On WMD] “Early last year Vice President Dick Cheney sent to Niger a former U.S. ambassador in Africa to investigate the story. The latter brought back word that the documents were not authentic. But this did not prevent senior administration officials from using them in the critical run-up to Congress’ vote to give Bush the authority to make war."—ex-CIA analyst Ray McGovern (The Miami Herald)
Weekly props
1. Arab reporting on the neo-con Paul Bremer
2. For more FCC news, check moveon.org
3. “Sucking it” at Isleton Crawdad Festival
4. Mrs. Taylor’s Sunday dinners
5. Congratulations, Spurs
