Cheesespread

Muhammed Saeed al-Sharaf speaks!
Cheesespread recently received a phone message from Iraqi Minister of Information and world-renowned comedian Muhammed Saeed al-Sharaf. He was calling from somewhere in Syria, according to my global caller ID. Throughout the rambling message, I was amazed by al-Sharaf’s weird charisma and even stranger observations that Iraq had won the war and that Saddam Hussein was still in power. Here are some excerpts:

• “By God, we the Iraqi people have slapped the backside of that insane little dwarf Bush, and before nightfall we will drag your retarded leaders behind a train of bastard donkeys.”

• “God willing, Allah will roast the stomachs of these louts of colonialism and good Iraqis will beat your retarded soldiers with their own shovels. Everything is going as planned.”

• “Saddam remains in power, he is farting on the drunken junkie nose of Bush through Iraq’s side streets. He is smoking fine cigars, by God, and at week’s end will have knitted the American and British snakes into a whore’s nightgown.”

• “The Iraqis you have seen on television defacing Saddam statues are actually low-paid American actors from the film Wag the Dog. No one believes your Hollywood lies.”

• “You should not have taken Saddam’s palace belongings. You drooling dogs will pay for that through martyrdom attacks on your rear.”

• “You say you respect your American soldiers but you pay them less than Burger King flippers. This is why they cannot use a compass and are currently lost in the desert, where Allah will feed their carcasses to the ravens and pigeons.”

• “The evil elf Bush offers tax breaks to the elite who lead the Zionist crusade. We will take you all to the airport and shoot you like Old Yellers. Meet me in ONE HOUR and you will see Iraqis slam dunk your sour Marine bunnies through the hula-hoop.”

If you miss the Iraqi minister’s great quotes, check out the Why we love the M.S.S. Web site at www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com, which features hypothetical M.S.S. quotes during history’s greatest battles, as well as reader love letters.

Overheard
"[On the Bush administration:] These guys scare me. They’re insulated. They’re tough to get to. … I’ve never seen my peers as frightened as they are. … There is no real standard anymore of integrity and truth because the White House doesn’t have any, and so we’re all left on our own to sort of stagger around and try to figure out what’s going on. He is the president, and he does have the power to send our children to commit murder in the name of democracy, and we respect that, we do, but a real crisis is coming, and I can tell you I wish there was better reporting out of Washington.”

—Pulitzer-winning journalist Seymour Hersh during a recent speech at Harvard

Weekly props
1. POW release parties

2. Yevgeny Zamyatin’s We

3. Art for Humanity in New Delhi

4. A Mighty Wind (Spinal Tap creators do the folk music scene)