Cheesespread
Bush radio address: Tune in, turn off, puke out
“My fellow Americans: good evening. You are no doubtly wondering how war in Iraq is going. Our proud, fighting sons and daughters are serving our nation mightily and remain on schedule, though we have made a few minor adjustments considered normal in a theater of war.
“If you recall: We originally told you Saddam was connected to Sept. 11, though no evidence ever surfaced to impregnate him. Secondly, we told you Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. So far, no weapons of mass destruction; though you never know what might turn up in an Iraqi baby milk factory somewhere. [Snickering.] Don’t count us out yet on that one! Thirdsomely, we told you the real reason for ignoring diplomacy, engaging in illegal war, and making the U.S. the most hated country on Earth was ‘cause we were liberating poor Iraqis. Some of you may ask: But why are these ‘liberees’ answering us with bullets and spit instead of roses and *NSYNC posters?
“Well, it’s simple, folks. Deception is normal during war theater. We must protect our strategy by offering limitedly realistic information to our bedded media. If people knew our brilliant, double-secret plan, there wouldn’t be any need for the red Top Secret stamp or cool, colored phones, now would there?
“From henceforth, this war will be known as ‘Operation Step into the Light,’ as we are now asking Iraqi military to simply drop their weapons and walk into the nearest explosion. To them I say: You have only your lives, country and oil to lose. Americans know the final answer to this limited-conflict scenario. Eventually, we may need to lay waste to every doggone thing in Baghdad to get this baby over with. Such is the horrible price tag of drive-by imperialism.
“But I repeat there is no need for rebellion at home: Oil fires are being put out by Mr. Cheney’s friends, and cheap oil will soon be flowing. Our friends at Pepsi are helping liquefy the starving Iraqis we have not accidentally kilt. Back Stateside, we have the Patriot Act II ready to make things safe in this epic age of terrorism. Rest assured, your tax dollars are burning a brighter future for the children of the world. [Cue theme music.] Take pride and support our troops even if you, and they, and hell even WE don’t know what’s gonna happen next. Do it, ‘cause you’re an American.
“This is DJ Dubya, and you’ve been listening to my weekly ‘Radio Address’ show. We’re going to leave you tonight with a classic Nelly joint, sing it wit’ me—'Hey, Must be the money!’ I’m out, people. Sweet dreams, Texas.”
Weekly props
1. Thursday Night Market!
2. Journalist Peter Arnett
5. White Stripes, Elephant
