Cheesespread

Idiots raid duct tape bins nationwide
Scared by a steady barrage of news reports concerning possible bio or chemical weapons attacks on U.S soil, thousands of lemmings across the United States began stockpiling supplies like water, food and duct tape (which the government stated would be necessary to provide home insulation against attack).

“I reckon I still got me some stuff left over from the Y2K,” said Cletus Bowinkle of Bowel, Iowa, population 755. “We gonna sit in the tornada shack out back till this whole thing blow over.”

Even young entrepreneurs in New York City were feeling the fear.

“I just wish I had got in early on duct tape,” said a Wall Street broker.

Even though statistics show the average American is more likely to be killed “falling down” than in a terrorist attack, the country’s “me-first” mentality has been ratcheted into gear—especially among the young and stupid.

“Duct tape has many uses,” said Ernest Bowles, chairman of 3M Duct Tape, a company in which the Bush family recently acquired a controlling interest. “Remember, there are a number of other uses for leftover duct tape—like taping bull horns to the grill of your truck or binding someone’s hands in a dirty bath tub.”

Another viable option for all that extra duct tape: covering your TV screen.

Michael Jackson speaks!
C: People think you’re unfit to be raising children and should be in jail.

M: (High voice) I own those white babies fair and square. I bought them when they were covered in placenta juice and whisked them away to Neverland Ranch, where they will never have to grow up and can climb trees, take oxygen treatment, and fight meanie tabloid pirates.

C: Why’d you lie about your facial surgery? It’s pretty obvious when someone goes from being a handsome black teenager to a freakish white woman with sea monkey features.

M: Don’t be ignorant, you racist Motorola.

C: Mike, c’mon. You’re a psychology study for years to come. What the hell happened? Why has no one helped you get a grip on reality?

M: When you say psychology, you mean sex. I never had sex with my baby, Blanket. I just snuggle up with him and Leo DiCaprio after feeding them a warm-milk solution.

C: Why don’t you seek professional help? You’re obviously all screwed up from being raised by an abusive Jehovah’s Witness.

M: People don’t understand me. Ever since Tito and Marlon started banging groupies next to my childhood hotel bed, mice have been my best friends.

C: I never thought I could feel sorry for a billionaire.

Weekly props
1. Millions protesting worldwide

2. Tree Action: Help keep the Chico tree ordinance alive (e-mail Debbie Presson, City Clerk, at dpresson@ci.chico.ca.us or call 895-4811—scheduled for March 18 City Council)

3. Terminal Waste band rocks

5. The return of Bobby Jackson