Cheesespread

USA Patriot Act to receive penis enhancement
Following the growing trend of males with disposable income seeking deeper penetration capability, it was recently reported that the controversial USA Patriot Act has been secretly pursuing penile enhancement options under the title “The Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003.”

“We’re extremely excited to be adding to our already massive penis—both in girth and length,” said Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Our ability to ram citizens into submission is about to get a big lift. … I can’t wait to see the look on [your] faces when we slip it in.”

Comparing his future penis to “the greatest ancient redwood,” Ashcroft went on to explain that the enhancement plan includes dietary civil rights adjustments including: establishing a DNA database of “suspected terrorists"; enhancing pretrial detention measures for suspected terrorists; squashing all Freedom of Information Act requests, effectively limiting press power; expatriation for anyone affiliated with terrorist groups or sympathetic “conduct” (like a peace rally); and FOIA restrictions with regard to the Environmental Protection Agency—allowing offending corporations to hide abuses of environment under the guise of terrorism prevention.

The secret surgery is scheduled to take place during the probable war with Iraq, when Ashcroft’s penis will be resting comfortably at home while Americans send their loved ones to kill innocents and die themselves in the name of corporate profits.

“This is the kind of monster penis that most people just can’t afford,” said Ashcroft. “Not even P. Diddy has the cheese to jack his Jimmy this big.”

Free Charles Li!
Last weekend, after attending the annual AAN West (Association of Alternative News Weeklies) conference in San Francisco, I spent a perfect Bay Area Sunday cruising Chinatown checking out knickknacks and enjoying the Chinese New Year celebrations. I promised some protestors there that I would mention their cause: Dr. Charles Li is a respected U.S. citizen from Menlo Park recently detained in China while visiting his parents and charged with sabotaging TV and/or radio equipment—and he could face 15 years in prison. According to the people carrying signs in Chinatown, the Harvard-educated Li is a victim of the government crackdown on practitioners of the outlawed meditative practice Falun Gong (560 deaths since Chinese government cracked down in 1999). In China, legal representation and fair trial have been officially denied to Falun Gong suspects in the past. As usual, if you want to help or have your voice heard, contact local government reps: Senator Feinstein: (202) 224-3841, fax: (415) 956-6701; Sen. Boxer: (415) 403-0100, fax: (415) 976-6701; President Duh!bya: (202) 456-1414, fax: (202) 456-2461.

Weekly props
1. AAN West cable car party

2. Ted Rall’s Gas War: The Truth Behind the American Occupation of Afghanistan

3. The Whip coming to the Riff Raff in March

5. Chinese New Year celebrations