Cheesespread

The most recent speech Dubya delivered in my dreams
“My fellow Americans, I come before you to express my profound sadity over the tragic loss of the space rocket Columbia which fell to Earth in bright yellow pieces last weekend. There are those, many of them evil terrorists, who would whoop and [trills] ee-lee-lee at our nation’s tragedy. These evildoers call the crash a sign from God and say that America (and Israel) have, like Hercules and his trusty owl, flown too high and were sent plummeting to the great state of Texas. To them I say, hold tight, amigos. Pretty soon, only one of us will be laughing when satellite guided missiles destroy your children’s schools and places of worship—and that someone will not be you.

“For we Americans know the real God would never purposely destroy our precious shuttle. Those who died aboard Columbia were heroes who knew in their hearts that rocket travel was dangerous—that indeed, one could even die. Of course, it did not help that in August of 2000, over 3,500 wiring defects were found in the Columbia, yet still I chose to throw billions of dollars into the military portion of NASA, not the science side—and this was not just because I don’t like math [snicker].

“You see, space travel long ago ceased being about “one giant step for human kin.” It has become a symbol of American excellence and domination—one planet at a time. These days, we have Star Wars to be concerned with—not the safety of our NASA astronauts dissecting flowers in space. What, pray tell, would happen if a brutal dictator such as Saddam Hussein decided to launch a surprise Ebola virus missile from silos hidden on the moon? I will be sure that Americans are ready for that day of terror unlike any we have ever known.

“That is why I am taking time during this elegy to tout my new fiscal budget, which allows the federal deficit to grow by a mere $200 billion every six months for the foreseeable future. As I promised, no future American child will be saddled with billions of debt. I have also allotted ONE HUNDRED thousand dollars over the next five years to domestic causes like the dying elderly, our polluted sky and air, and educating black people. Another $4,300 will be raised for high-bred technology so that one day future kids may even drive ‘hydro-electric cars'—crazy as it sounds.

“In the meantime, I will continue to be the worst president in human history and to run our nation into the ground by throwing billions into the military-industrial complex for a 100 Years War with those who oppose the God preferred by most white corporations—insuring the dubious place of the Dubya in history.”

Weekly props
1. Iraq Documentary: Voices From the Streets, Newman Center 2/13 (7pm) $5

2. Converge on Capitol, Sacramento Peace Rally (2/15)

3. Dwight Yoakam solo in Paradise (2/20)

4. Call It What You Want: This is Antifolk

5. Make your own real audio Bush speech (lemonbovrill.com.uk)