Cheesespread
“I know! Let’s play Media Blitz!”
Announcer: Hey kids! Wanna be the first in your ‘hood to have the coolest new board game this Christmas? Then check out what’s coming from the makers of Urban Commando, Arab Smackdown and the U.S. government—a game that puts you on the world’s latest battle stage! (Sounds of laser fire and explosions.)
Kid’s voice: Coooool!
Announcer: Media Blitz is a game of skill, cunning and diplomacy! Help take out Saddam Hussein and save the free world from dirty terrorists. Play alone or with your friends!
Kid: Wow! I wanna nuke Saddam!
Announcer: Whoa—hold on, Billy. Don’t waste your oil! In the game, you play the valuable field reporter who reports the “official truth” for the people back home!
Kid: Wha? Don’t I get a gun?
Announcer: Of course, Billy. Now roll the dice and move four squares from Baghdad Café—whoa! Just in time before an 8-year old suicide bomber blew it up (sound of explosion and screams)!
Kid: Wheww … That was close!
Announcer: Now report to your senior officer for editing of news content!
Kid: This is fun! Look out, there’s an alternative journalist trying to steal my credentials … Pretty sneaky, sis!
Announcer: You tell her, Billy. That sympathizer goes straight to jail! What does your next card say?
Kids: “Ignore the half-buried mounds of bodies, move ahead 10 squares” … (excited) “dinner with Colin Powell” Rad! I want leg of lamb!
Announcer: Don’t you mean “leg of man,” Billy? (laughter)
Hours of fun are waiting for you and your freedom fighting friends. Recommended for ages 6 to adult. Morals not included.
Wonder-villains Re-activate!
In a strange White House ceremony reminiscent of a ‘70s cartoon, President Dubya signed new legislation that would “resurrect super-villains of the past” using the latest gene technology to staff his growing labyrinth of government offices. This comes after several moves to appoint former Nixon and Reagan aides with criminal backgrounds to high posts.
“Hell, we can take this one step further, people,” Bush told reporters. “By noon on Friday I should have Genghis Khan in here, Napoleon Boner-part, Billy the Kid, Pol Pot, Nazis, you name it. If they was good at killin’ or lyin’ or both—the U.S government got a job for ’em.”
When a reporter asked for estimates of the Iraqi civilian death toll in the coming months, Bush began whirling than vanished in a poof of smoke.
Weekly props
1. Holiday parties
3. Asskickers’ Home on the Range
4. Happy Birthday Dano! (compliments to Phil & co.)
