Cheesespread

Chillin’ like a villain
I can’t relate how thrilled I was to be the only newspaper columnist in the world granted exclusive, early interview rights with the infamous Henry Kissinger—recently appointed by Bush to head the investigation into 9-11.

I met with him last week at a Denny’s in Oakland, where we talked mostly about the assigned topics of food and basketball. Luckily, I was able to sneak a tape recorder into the meeting. Here are some highlights:

Cheese: Some Americans who remember the last 30 years feel that Bush appointed you to head the 9-11 commission because he doesn’t want objective inquiry. With your documented history of secrecy, dirty double-deals and bartering to the highest bidder—aren’t you the perfect, veteran liar to pull off a massive cover-up?

Kissinger (deep voice): This iz a preposterous notion. I veel quite compelled to honor zee memories of zee fallen Americans. Zis is just another liberal ploy.

C: What about those around the world who feel you should be hanged for war crimes, political kidnappings, killings, etc. Care to comment on the lawsuits?

K: Plebeians. It takes great men to rule zee univerze. This is well-documented. I vould rather we continue our talk of zee jalapeño poppers, no?

C: I’m sorry. How old are you now anyway, 80? Maybe you should lay off the jalapeños—in addition to taking responsibility for the thousands of innocents you had killed in Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Argentina and East Timor.

K: (laughs) Ah, my naïve friend, history iz written by those in power, and for now I am not zee villain but a powerful political figure on zee winning side. … You might call me zee real Zlim Shady (chortles)—I also remain a sexual tiger zhanks to a new mixture of Viagra and Ecstasy.

C: Yikes; ever wonder where those idealistic hippies from the ‘60s went?

K: Of course not, zhose fools eventually joined zee establishment. Zey were confused lemmings to begin with. … You know, zee whole LSD thing was a CIA-initiated social control program vee monitored—quite amusing. Perhaps you do not know it—but zee spicy fries you are eating now ver dosed with a potent new chemical that vill make you my boy toy for tonight and render your memory useless ven we are done! (laughs)

C: Wha!? (Runs to the bathroom to vomit as the sounds of Kissinger’s gravelly laughter fill the Denny’s.)

K: (turns to aide) I am still zee bomb, no?

Weekly props
1. My fake white, fiberoptic Xmas tree with pine aroma

2. High on Fire/Drunk Horse at Slim’s

3. Hip-hop kid dancers at Arco for Kings/Clips

4. Jimmy Jackson