Cheesespread

Fuhrer spurns global agreement in favor of moon resorts
Mein Bush, beloved flower of all American youth, made another stride toward prosperity for the world when he recently threatened to revoke U.S. support for another important agreement between hundreds of countries: the international accord for stabilizing global population.

“They say they want standard health care for countries with legal abortion. We say America don’t take kindly to soul-suckers!” Bush exclaimed from a press conference at a Dairy Queen in Texas. “Hell, you people voiced your confidence in me. I guess I can say what I mean: Sure, I owe the Religious Right (snickers). And you folks is too scared and stupid not to support me. I could say the Earth was flat and we needed to attack New Zealand to make it round again—and y’all would probably agree, post 9-11 ‘n’ all. Daddy was right when he suggested we let security down for a hostile terrorist act! You can’t beat it!”

America is joined by several repressive Muslim regimes and the Vatican in its ignorant denial of basic science concerning the Earth’s sustainability.

“Women should shut up and birth multiple sons for use as farm tools,” said one fundamentalist leader. “We also thank the Bush II for his support in this matter and wish him a happy death.”

The White House elaborated further.

“Without refugee camps and slums churning out alienated, landless young people, we won’t have enough religious nuts to supply us with terrorist enemies,” said mouthpiece Airy Flesher. “It all makes perfect sense. And one more thing: Blue Dahlia loves Woody Woodpecker. I repeat: Blue Dahlia loves Woody Woodpecker.”

Considering there are 6 billion people on the planet (every second, two people die and five are born), Bush added that global chaos should make for some interesting “Battlestar Galactica kinds of wars” in the future.

“By that time, not only will I be deader ‘n’ hell, but human bein’s will be floatin’ around in space motels and moon resorts,” Bush said in closing. “I would encourage everyone to invest their retirement funds with Enron. … Those motels ain’t comin’ cheap.”

Overheard
“What we are seeing now from the far right is not conservatism at all. It is fascism: the imposition of a national and worldwide police state to enforce a narrow world view that enriches and empowers the few at the expense of the many, and that gives no respect or honor to other cultures, ways of living or opinions. To call that conservatism is a crime against the memory of America’s great and true conservatives. … If we Americans are split into two meaningful camps, it is not conservative versus liberal. The two camps are these: the politically awake and the hypnotized.”

—92-year-old Doris “Granny D” Haddock

Weekly props
1. Get your conspiracy fix at: The Center for an Informed America (davesweb.cnchost.com)

2. “Water for Profit,” Mother Jones

3. The Streets

4. NPR series: California’s Central Valley (www.npr.org/)