Cheesespread

Sorry ’bout that jaw, Fox
Everyone chided me for getting pumped over a wittle exhibition game between the Lakers and the Kings last week, but look what happened:

Three minutes into the game, Caribbean cologne poster boy and trash talker Rick Fox fouled Doug Christie, then half-slapped him, to which my boy D.C. responded with a swift and accurate left uppercut that rocked the jaw of the NBA’s worst jerry curl throwback.

Both players were ejected, after which Fox raced around beneath the arena and bum-rushed Christie with a headlock like a bar bitch in small-town Mulletville. This cowardly act sparked the entire Kings bench to get involved, as well as plain clothed Shaq O’Neal, who was itching to clock Vladé Divac. Where was Staples Center security? Huffing crack in the bathrooms or transfixed by some supermodel’s fake boobs—not doing their jobs, you can be sure of that.

Granted, basketball fights are pretty lame. These guys are too tall and gawky to even throw punches—when they swing, they’re more likely to hit someone’s nacho tray in the third row. Still, this latest incident throws fuel on an already hot fire that should be fun to watch when the first regular-season meeting between the two championship contenders occurs on Jesus Christ’s and CN&R Associate Editor Devanie Angel’s birthday.

Chico Conspiracy Corner
Bardude1: Dude, I can’t believe they offed Wellstone, the most liberal dude in the Senate.

Bardude2: What are you talkin', dude? It was bad weather.

Bardude1: Bad weather my ass. These “political” plane crashes have happened many times before. I bet you Cheney’s Black Ops know a little somethin’ somethin': Wellstone was the Republicans’ domestic enemy No. 1.

Bardude2: Dude, like, he can still win from beyond the grave like that other guy.

Bardude1: Yeah, the dude that got iced for running against Ashcroft—same deal. But they learned their lesson.

Bardude2: Dude!

Bardude1: Dude, what? Like I’m supposed to be happy with like Mondale or something? I hate the Black Ops.

Bardude2: Dude, you really ought not like talk politics with pints, know what I’m saying? You just get all like flustered and stuff. It’s hella unbecoming.

Bardude1: Dude, sometimes I just feel like there’s nothing we can do to stem the tide of like evil tyranny in this country and that one day this country will just be in hella ruins and all the rich people will just like leave all the poor people to revolt and go spoil some other place.

Bardude2: Dude, don’t you know alcohol is a depressant? You need to like drink hella faster or something.

Weekly props
1. Downtown Chico war protestors

2. Patti Smith singing “People have the power” at Iraq War Protest in DC (C-SPAN)

3. Condolences, Giants fans

4. Sen. Wellstone et al., R.I.P.