Cheesespread

Excerpt for a dream
Dreams can be such awesome things, “such pleasing lands of drowsy head, of castles in the clouds that pass,” but mine have been messed up lately. One night I dreamt I was on a night bus crossing the Golden Gate Bridge and saw a large plane going down into the heart of the city (yikes). Instead of terrorist dreams I’d rather have surreal ones, like a recent sketch comedy idea I had set in a funky laundromat located in deep space, where I’m eating those orange crackers with fake peanut butter and drinking Dr. Pepper when the TV sputters on.

Announcer Gene Woods‘ voice: “In this corner, from Saudi Arabia, the bin Laden family! And in this corner, from the U.S. of A., the Bush family, featuring not one, but two presidents! Ready for action? Let’s start … the Family Feud!”

(At this point, Richard Dawson does his smarmy introductions: the inevitable French kissing with the Bush daughters, who appear to be drunk; the joking with the presidents; the cool hatred of the bin Laden brothers, who rebuke Dawson as a “pawn of Satan.” Then the game begins.)

Dawson (to Jenna Bush): Step right up here, my lady. And you, Abd Alla Awad, right here. Hands on your buzzers. Name a thing you might find in New York City.

Jenna (buzzes in): MTV total request live! (Giggles.) Totally!

President Dubya blurts: “Good answer, honey!”

Dawson: Survey says? (Angry buzz.) Sorry darlin'. Abdul Alla Wacky, any answer will beat that. … Things you might find in the Big Apple. And if you say, “Trade Center rubble,” I’ll smack you right here.

Bin Laden: Godless infidels?

Dawson: Show me “godless infidels.” (Ding!) Barely on the board! Sorry my princess. Let’s cruise over to the loony bin shall we? (To bin Laden:) Well now, 42 brothers back home watching—that’s quite a family. Bet you drove momma crazy when you were kids. (Audience laughter.) How did you choose which brothers to bring?

Bin Laden (eldest): We are willing to die for Allah.

Dawson (puckers): I see. So you guys are like the new communists? We’re going to be dealing with you for the next 100 years, am I right? Just tell me you’ll keep your dirty paws off the hot buttons, all right, sheik? You know, the ones that go “Boom.”

Bin Laden: There are 1.2 billion Muslims comprising 20 percent of the global population. By 2020, one out of four people in the world will be Muslim. At its core, your Western society cannot function without oil. All the remaining oil reserves are in Muslim-controlled countries tired of the godless sins of your government and its tyrannical enslavement of the world and the desecration of its environment. Do you understand, Richard? The lines between the haves and have-nots will end. Your time is drawing near.

Dawson: Easy, sand man—forget the heavenly virgins for a sec. What you need is one of our Family Feud board games, right Gene? Heaven on earth, my friend. Am I right, people? Now let’s take a commercial break so I can shower with those Bush babes—we’ll be right backkk!

Weekly props
1. Green party gubernatorial candidate Peter Miguel Camejo at the Chico City Council chambers Saturday, Sept. 14, 7 p.m.

2. Bustolini’s singer-songwriter night Aug. 30 at 8 p.m.

3. Want a great haircut? Try Mary—call for appt. at 521-5403.