Cheesespread

Office of Global Communications Questionnaire
In June, the Republican chairman of the House Committee on International Relations, Henry Hyde, decreed that America should use her Hollywood skills to combat negative images circulating throughout the world about our country. How about Gugaplex-styled movie questionnaires distributed to Middle Eastern countries, where anti-American sentiment is stronger than Uncle Ahmed’s hash donuts? Here are some sample questions: 1. Are you a) Muslim b) Christian c) Jewish or d) other?

2. Do you approve of U.S. policy/action in and around your home? If not, why?

3. Do you prefer the cruelty of your own leaders or a benevolent American-backed regime offering the flowers of a capitalist democracy?

4. Have you ever burned a doll or other effigy of George W. Bush?

5. Were you to be selected as a successor to Saddam Hussein, would you be receptive to U.S. oil interests in the region?

6. Are you now, or have you ever been, aware of any untapped oil reserves—be they on your own property or a neighbor’s? If so, where?

7. Do you object to untested, genetically modified food already in global circulation from U.S. companies like Monsanto?

8. (Questions 8 through 10, answer only if Muslim) Do you object to the phrase “crusade against terror” being used in place of “U.S. imperial conquest"?

9. Do you prefer Madonna, Britney Spears or cutting edge rap/metal broadcast over the radio during your daily prayers?

10. Do films depicting angels or otherworldly life such as The Sixth Sense offend your beliefs; and, given the choice, would you opt for a super-size soft drink for only a quarter more?

11. Do you agree with U.S. sanctions that helped cause the deaths of over a half million Iraqi children under 5? If not, why?

12. Given the choice, would you choose to have lighter-complexion skin—à la the world’s King of Pop, Michael Jackson?

13. Have you, or has anyone in your family, suffered from depression or A.D.D.?

14. Are you aware of the amazing new discoveries in the field of anti-depressant drugs (including Zoloft and Paxil)?

15. Do you believe the U.S. government is a fair, global watchdog that will continue to care about your region once the last drops of oil are sucked from the earth? (If you answered yes to this last question, please move yourself and or loved ones away from all standing structures near or inside Iraq.)

Weekly props
1. If you have a nice house for rent ($750 and under) email me
2. We want Barbara Manning on KZFR
3. The Trials of Lenny Bruce by Collins & Skover
4. Bob Dylan at Sac Memorial (10/08)
5. Chick Hearn R.I.P.