Arts & Culture

Film

Bite me
Jonas Brothers meet Uncle Busey in the darkest corner of the Twilight wilderness

by B. Lamer

Imagine if John Wayne Gacy ditched the clown suit and showed up to your birthday party Goth’d-out instead, handing out blindfolds for a little Pin the Tail on the … you get the point. That’s basically what we have here in Overbitten, the controversial, special-release installment of the Twilight series. Gacy isn’t actually on hand, but Gary is—Gary Busey—and the insertion of his toothy grin into the franchise, while disturbing and confusing, turns out to be a revelation.

The story begins with Disney’s boy toys, the Jonas Brothers, frantically trying to find their way out of a damp and spooky Pacific Northwest forest. Seems the Bible camp the lads were attending turned into a blood bath when a horde of desperate vampires swooped in to feed on anemic emo kids. Only the bros survived the massacre, but with the Cullen clan closing fast, vamp-on-boy necking seemed imminent. Enter the maniacal one. Uncle Busey appears in the middle of the forest, nude and very moist, sporting two giant fangs and screaming “I am consuming the universe, and you’re in my spider web now, bitches.”

That’s enough to scare off the fey fangers, allowing Busey time to scurry Joe, Nick and K2 into his home inside a giant hollowed-out redwood.

Turns out, Uncle Busey is not really a vampire. His fangs are just a couple of sabre teeth jammed into his gaping maw because they “felt kinda sexy.”

Once inside the forest hideaway, what ensues is a 90-minute montage of the foursome’s one year in the wilderness together. Mostly, they spend their days just practicing a brand of karate Busey invented called Kick Face and just “hugging it out,” while subsisting on little more than recycled urine and snack chips.

“You know what FUNYUNS stands for?” Busey screams at one point “It stands for Funny Onions … I am dead serious! Look that shit up.”

This ain’t your grandpa’s horror … this ain’t even your great-grandchildren’s horror. This seriously FUBAR masterpiece won’t be catching on until after the zombie apocalypse actually happens.

Until then, for the poor kids and their moms expecting the continuation of the mopey soap opera, the titular time of day will now be haunted by visions of a wild-eyed Uncle Busey, with corn chips mashed in his unnatural chompers, jolting them out of their morning slumber.

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Fifteen minutes

by Nick Dobit

As an intern, the chance to interview people of real prominence is a seldom-seen opportunity. But last week, the gods of journalism smiled upon me. As I was heading into the Wildcat Recreation Center last Thursday, I noticed the weight room was more crowded then usual, and not a single meathead was pumping iron. Instead they were all huddled together and cheering. When I pushed my way through the mass of muscle to the front of the crowd, I was certain my eyes were deceiving me. But sure enough, Gov. Arnold Schwar-zenegger was hard at work at the bench press. After he finished his set and signed a few autographs, I worked up the courage to ask if he had some time to answer some questions. It appeared the workout triggered something in the former action star, who proceeded to answer using lines from his movies.

How does the most powerful man in the state start off his day?

I eat Green Berets for breakfast, and right now, I’m very hungry.

What words of advice do you offer your fellow GOP leaders?

As I said in Kindergarten Cop, stop whining. You lack discipline. You’re not going to have your mommies here to wipe your tushies. Oh, no. It’s time to turn this mush into muscles.

What would you say to President Obama about the health-care overhaul?

I’d re-enact Running Man and say: You cold-blooded bastard, I’ll tell you what I think of it, I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I would like to ram it into your stomach and break your god damn spine!

Do you think conservatives have a chance to overturn the health-care-reform bill?

As I said in Predator, if it bleeds, we can kill it.

How have you grown as governor?

The more contact I have with humans, the more I learn.

What do you consider to be the best part of your life as governor?

What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.