A well-balanced childhood

It’s no secret that the way parents raise their children has lifelong implications. Though there are exceptions, a stable childhood will usually make for a stable adult.

But recently exactly how one goes about providing that foundation has been a subject of heated debate. Amy Chua’s 2011 book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother captured the nation’s attention with the authoritarian parenting style described within, and Time magazine’s May 21 cover—of a mother breastfeeding a child many would consider too old to be nursing—turned our collective attention to attachment parenting.

So is there really any particular method a parent hoping to raise a sound-minded child should adopt? Two Butte County professionals with insight in child development discussed the importance of the parent-child relationship.

The term “attachment parenting” was coined by William and Martha Sears in The Baby Book, which has become a bible for child-rearing since its publication in 1993. Tenets of attachment parenting include breastfeeding for as long as possible, providing nurturing touch, positive discipline and “safe sleep.”

For many parents, that includes sleeping in the same bed with their child, a principle of dispute that has no clear-cut timeline, said Melissa Groves, a professor in the Child Development program at Chico State since 2000.

“How old is too old? That’s a matter of discussion,” she said. “When children have bad dreams, they often come in and sleep with their parents. It’s a matter of choice—how much privacy do you want?”

Attachment parenting has been in practice for thousands of years and is still widespread around the world, especially in poor countries where a mother working in the fields with a baby tightly wrapped around her back is a common sight. And increasingly women in the United States are bringing baby on errands in much the same fashion.

Some would argue, however, that constant affection hinders a child’s future independence.

“Sometimes, children will seem too dependent on the parent rather than supporting that ongoing autonomy,” Groves said. “That’s something parents have to think about when they do this. You want to foster autonomy and growth but also a sense of caring and concern, so there’s definitely a balance.”

On the other side of the spectrum lies tiger parenting, a style at the core of conservative Chinese culture that places extreme emphasis on individual accomplishments and work ethic, often at the sacrifice of typical kid stuff. In her book, Chua details the raising of her own children, who weren’t allowed to have playmates, participate in school plays or play an instrument other than piano or violin and were held to the highest academic standards.

Obviously, it is rare for most American parents to adopt such a demanding style, but emotional detachment between children and parent is common in Butte County, said Joe Taylor, director of the Chico Creek Counseling Center.

“I had a parent a while back, a mom in her mid-20s with a 5-year-old child,” he said. “The child was doing a great job in fantasy play. She had her dollhouse out on the table, but mom didn’t know what to do. I had to coach her through it, word for word. Getting down on their level, making eye contact, sitting close to them—these are real simple things so many parents don’t know how to do.”

And to illustrate how important such detachment can be for lifelong development, Taylor reflected on how often he counsels adults with troubled childhoods.

“Say you have an adult come in with an anxiety disorder or depression. How often is that rooted in childhood? I’d say about 100 percent of the time.”

Taylor believes many parents are neglectful without realizing it, putting too much emphasis on academics and extracurricular activities in lieu of simple family time.

“When I go on a walk with my grandchildren, it could take us 20 minutes to go 20 feet,” he said. “We don’t learn to be so busy-busy as a child. We like to literally stop and smell the roses and look at the bugs.”

Groves agrees the best way parents can ensure their child has the best chance for sound development is attentiveness.

“We’re always looking for the golden ticket for parenting success, and I say it’s really paying attention, supporting your child, giving them challenges and not being afraid of letting them have some disruptions and not always coming to their rescue,” Groves said. “Most people find themselves somewhere between attachment and tiger parenting, and that works pretty well.”