10,000 B.C.

For a film with a title insinuating a bit of historical significance, director/writer Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. has none. From the very beginning when the young D’Leh, the film’s hero, pledges his undying devotion to the blue-eyed Evolet using terms like “many moons,” eyes begin to roll. D’Leh’s tribe lives in the snow-covered mountains. Whereabouts is anybody’s guess—they have dreadlocks and seem to be white and Asian and Arab-looking. After half the tribe, including Evolet (Camilla Belle), is kidnapped by “four-legged beasts,” D’Leh (Steven Strait) must go out in search of his lovely. So, off goes D’Leh, the mammoth hunter, alongside mentor Tic’Tic. They leave their snowy peaks for jungle land and later desert and encounter giant ostrich-like predator birds (WTF?) and a saber-toothed tiger along the way. Oh, and there are domesticated horses (the earliest evidence for which doesn’t come until 4,500 B.C.). Throw in the Egyptian pyramids (which are believed to have been finished almost 8,000 years later) being built with the use of woolly mammoths, and the most you can hope for is to get a few laughs. Feather River Cinemas, Paradise Cinema 7 and Tinseltown. Rated PG-13